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> [FANFIC] Beyond the Horizon, On hiatus.
Meteor
Posted: Jun 24 2012, 04:19 PM


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Keisuke seemed slightly out-of-character to me somewhere in this part, but only slightly. And it's nothing that requires fixing.
QUOTE
Keisuke looked at Alastair incredulously, "What? You mean you have a car as nice as the G35 and you're not racing? You have most of the modifications and set ups for it, and if what you say is true then you're still working on it. Hell, you even debagded it to make it look cooler. It's easy to see that the car was made for the streets and the passes, it seems like a waste if you're not using the car to its full potential."

Alastair looked down at the bottle of soy sauce and turned it over in his hands; it seemed as though Keisuke's statement hit a sensitive spot. "I retired from racing years ago Keisuke. I just outgrew it."

Keisuke stared at the man sitting across from him, "You don't outgrow street racing. Once a racer, always a racer. It's our code. You're lying if you say that isn't true."


Always nice to get to updates to this fic - and nice work again. These two chapters are also filler-ish, but they're good despite that.

Let me try out a quicker method of pointing out what was done well here. . .

Well, the start of Ch. 14 quickly picked up from where the last chapter left off, with good dialogue plus that mention of Perry regaining his composure that really helps you see the scene. Then a wise decision to just mention everyone getting introduced to each other rather than actually writing it out in detail, keeping the writing well paced. Further decent writing that also builds off the previous chapter and gives a good reason for these characters to decide to head out to a restaurant, then some more good writing that quickly puts the setting into your head. The description of the restaurant in particular really helps you see it. And that's good because that's where the rest of this chapter is going to take place.

Two new characters appear and their introduction is non-intrusive. Nice touch with Myla recoiling at either the sight of so many customers at once or the sight of Keisuke wearing sunglasses, or perhaps both.

Decent dialogue between Darryl and Perry. And it's interesting how a detail as small as this:
QUOTE
Perry answered for the rest of the group. "Dim Sum! Just give us everything. You know the drill when I bring in big groups of people like this right Myla?"

"Of course Perry. Oolong tea for everyone, right?"

"Let's be different today. Green tea."

"Alright. Sounds like a plan. The first round of stuff will be out in about ten minutes. I'll be coming back with your tea right now." Placing the pen behind her ear and pocketing the notepad she walked back towards the counter.

Somehow added something to the chapter.

So now we get some conversation going and eventually get some backstory on Alastair. Quick, but not in a way that felt rushed. Ryousuke's mention of being able to the trace that GT-R and offering to do so felt like a very natural progression from there and adds some more of that "something's gonna happen later" feel into the story.
Not entirely sure about Al being able to remember the Kanji so well (unless he can already read Kanji and I just don't know) but I guess it's necessary for this plot-point to come about.

Food time! Better finish all that, guys.

I wonder if that other group of customers is going to end up showing up again later on. And now for the one typo in this chapter + a nitpick.
QUOTE
The other group of people glanced over that them for the last time. Simultaneously they got up, paid the tab and left; the bell rang as they opened the door, the oldest member of the group shot Darryl a questionable glance before walking away. The shop owner looked at the door and laughed as he helped himself to some har gow.

The nitpick:
QUOTE
Alastair looked across the table to the other small group of people sitting at the table at the front of the restaurant. They quickly glanced back at him and resumed eating.

I think changing the "and" to a "then" would make the last sentence here work better.

Onto Chapter 15. . . . Oh look it's Bunta!
"Moshi moshi, Jesus desu."
Heh. There must be a lot of telemarketers calling him if he regularly ends up using that laugh.gif

The "Ask away my son!" line kinda doesn't sound like something Bunta would say, but again, nothing problematic here. Anyway, nice dialogue in this chapter too and good expanding on the latest plot-point.

QUOTE
Look forward to more updates soon! I'm in the writing mood!

Looking forward. Please provide more chapters smile.gif


(Why does it take me so long to write these reviews? The review itself wasn't even that lengthy.)

As for what happens to Talumi and Dav: Once I come up with the next chapter, I'll either PM it to you or post it in my next post here.
Nicholas86
Posted: Jun 25 2012, 01:15 AM


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Great story there..
Looking forward to how Bunta is gonna find a R33 in Gunma rolleyes.gif
THE_HONDA_CG2
Posted: Jul 13 2012, 10:43 PM


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QUOTE (Me @ Jun 22 2012, 12:28AM)
Look forward to more updates soon! I'm in the writing mood!

Well it looks like I lied to you guys. I'm really sorry if everyone has been waiting on a huge update or something since it's been a while since I posted anything here. I've been busy with a lot of other things and I have a feeling that the updates are going to now shrink to one chapter posts like this one. Never fear though! I am still writing, but I'm going through plot scenarios and seeing which ones I like. It's getting tough though, I have a whole world open to me and I can only choose one path to follow. laugh2.gif

I thank everyone who is still reading though. Thank you for dealing with these disgustingly slow updates and thank you for your continued support, it really means a lot to me. smile.gif

QUOTE (Meteor @ Jun 24 2012, 05:19 PM)
Being as awesome as usual.

Thank you for the sweet review Meteor! It really makes my heart feel warm when I see you post in this thread. I've taken the liberty of applying some minor changes here or there. I guess I'm really having fun with Bunta's character though, I modeled him after a mild troll dad. You mad? troll.gif

QUOTE (Nicholas86 @ Jun 25 2012, 02:15 AM)
Great story there..
Looking forward to how Bunta is gonna find a R33 in Gunma rolleyes.gif

I'm working on the R33 thing right now actually. It will come back in a later chapter but for now. One more filler. I'm sorry I'm being so boring with all this boring fluff right now, I promise that things will explode by the time Chapter 20 rolls around. After that though I don't know how long this is actually going to run. derp.gif


Ok Chapter 16 of Beyond the Horizon. GO! I hope you guys enjoy! happy.gif



~Chapter 16: Market Hustle~

The cool evening air mixed with the heat of the downtown providing the back drop to a picture perfect shopping night. Cars cruised down the street while pedestrians buzzed to and fro; stopping only at the sight of the red hand that marked that it was not their turn to cross. The group of nine men walked together down the street, striding past the boutiques and vintage store fronts. They continued down the street for a few blocks and before long the tall business buildings gave way to smaller old buildings. The scenery changed and the purple sky opened up before them. Without even thinking about it, Fumihiro walked into a small record shop; everyone else had no choice but to follow. Weaving through the crowd and ducking underneath the tiny doorway the rest of the group walked into the warmly lit store. It was small and unassuming; rows of neat shelves and bins filled with vinyl records took up most of the shop, there was a glass shelf that displayed rare music related oddities, and a few boxes of posters and wall hangings in the corner; but other than that the store was completely void of people. The front counter had the standard cash register and a few worn out records hung from the wall; the old shop keeper, who was seated on a high stool, looked up from his newspaper and greeted this large group of customers with a wave and went back to reading. Fumihiro went straight to the 'Y' section and dove right in, shuffling through the records with an inhuman sense of determination. The rest of the group stood dumbfounded at the end of the aisle looking around in the small store in an attempt to find something that they recognized. This wasn’t hard for Alastair; his face lit up and he walked over to the house/techno section leaving everyone else to continue watching Fumihiro in confusion. Takumi resigned to look down at his phone when someone bumped into him. "Woah! I'm sorry!"

Takumi glanced up from his phone to see a tall lanky boy about his age checking the small stack albums in his hand. "Oh... Sorry, did you break anything?"

"No, everything looks good. Thanks." The boy walked towards the 'Y' Section where Fumihiro stood, still shuffling through the stacks.

Takumi shrugged and looked back at his phone, it suddenly dawned on him that he was the only one left standing in the aisle. Quickly glancing around in panic he saw that everyone else had diffused into the store; Alastair was still shuffling through the techno tracks, Perry was looking at the foreign records, Tomiguchi and Kenta were perusing through the 'B' albums, Matsumoto was in the new releases section, Ryosuke joined Fumihiro and the kid at the 'Y' shelf, and Keisuke stepped outside to take a smoke. Takumi regained his composure and strode over to the group standing before the box of records labeled 'Y'. Everyone was looking curiously at one particular vinyl that was now propped up against the rest of the shelf. Takumi was the only one left out of the loop, "Hey guys, what is this we're looking at?"

"... A Yellow Magic Orchestra album... Solid State Survivor... the only one I don't have yet..." Fumihiro managed to stammer out.

The unnamed kid jumped back at the mention of Yellow Magic Orchestra, "Woah! You know about YMO?!?"

Fumihiro looked at the speaker with surprise, "Who doesn't know YMO?"

"You'll be shocked, a lot of people don't know about them here." The kid looked down at the few records he had in his hands.

"Were you looking for this album too?"

"Actually yes. I was sorting through the other bins first before getting here. But since you found it first I guess it is rightfully yours..." The boy looked dejected beyond all belief. He turned to the counter to pay for his purchases and leave.
Fumihiro picked up the album and turned it over in his hands, "Hey kid!"

The boy stopped in his tracks and turned to face the group of people standing before the box of records. "Hm?"

"What’s your name?"

"Zach."

"Well Zach, you can have this album. I know it's a Japan only release and probably very hard to find in the states. I'm sure I can get something when I get back home anyway. I was just looking through these stacks for kicks anyhow. Take it, it's yours."

The boy's face suddenly lit up with ecstasy and joy as he ran back to accept the record from Fumihiro, "Wow! Are you serious?!" Fumihiro smiled and nodded, "Thank you so much! But I can't take this from you without learning what your name is." He hastily stuck his stack of records under his arm and held his hand out,
"I'm Zach, and it's a pleasure to meet you."

"Hiroshi Fumihiro. Just call me Fumihiro though, and the pleasure's all mine." Shaking Zach's hand.

"Did I hear someone say Zach?"

They turned to look at the shelf behind them Alastair was peeking over the sign marked 'Z' with a look of surprise. He stepped out and joined in the circle, "It's been a few months Zach. How the heck have you been?!?" He wrestled the kid into a playful half-Nelson.

"Ow, hey Al! I haven't seen you in ages. I've been good, as you can see..." Holding up the albums, to show him his musical finds "I'm still doing my thing, collecting records. I've snuck into a couple of your gigs and I must say. You've made it big since the last time I saw you."

Releasing his victim and scratching the back of his head, Al replied, "Oh Zach! You give me too much credit! Anyhow, let's pay for your stuff and get outta here. These guys need to hit the open air markets before it gets too late."

"Oh! Is it ok if I tag along too?"

"SURE! The more the merrier I say!"

Across the store, Perry held up a random album and exclaimed, "OH MY GOD YES!"

Five minutes later, the old shop owner was grinning ear to ear and belting out 'thank you' after 'thank you' followed by 'please come again' as the group of ten exited the store.

The cool night breeze greeted the men as they walked into the sidewalk, boxes of vinyl in hand. Perry looked at Zach and a look of sudden realization dawned upon him, "Zach!?! What are you doing here!?"

The kid smiled sheepishly at the rest of the group, "You don't mind if I join you guys right?"

"Of course you can join us!" Looking around at everyone else's confused face he quickly added, "Oh of course! Where are my manners? Zach, this is Project D."

After a very quick round of introductions Zach continued the conversation, it took a few moments for the shock to sink in, "PROJECT D?! Are you serious? You actually went through with your plan?!"

Perry chuckled, "Why does everyone think I was bluffing when I said I would invite them to America?"

"Because this is such a huge task for one person to carry out! Did Lena help you with this?"

Perry adopted a disheartened look, "Yeah Lena helped me, but so did a lot of other people. But no one ever gives me enough credit..."

"I'm just messing with you Perry! A lot of people helped you set up for this thing and it has been months in the making." Addressing the rest of the group, "I'm glad that you guys all made it to America safely. I hope you enjoy your stay here!"

Ryosuke spoke up, "Thank you Zach, may I ask how a young man such as yourself came to know both Perry and Alastair? It seems as though everyone that we meet knows these two in some way, shape, or form."

"Ah, I know these two from the local racing scene!"

Takumi chimed in, "So you race?"

"Not exactly, I just got my license about a year ago actually and I've been working on modifying my car; but at my age, money and jobs are scarce so it's slow going. Not to mention that I'm also a fellow music producer like Al. I don't think I'll be able to ever fully get into the local teams at the rate I'm going." Zach sighed.

"What exactly do you drive?" Fumihiro inquired.

"Oh, I inherited my dad's old Renault Alpine A610."

Silence ensued as the rest of the group was trying to figure out if that was a car brand or a sneeze. Ryosuke gazed at the young man with a curious expression on his face, a small smirk across his face and he shrugged keeping silent.

"I wouldn't be surprised if no one knew what my car is. Renault is a French automotive company. Here, let me show you where I parked it. It's not too far from here."

Zach led the group past another city block and turned into a quiet parking lot, aside from the light posts that were sporadically placed every few spaces, the lot was empty. Behind a brick wall there it sat, the lone star in the dark; a sunshine yellow Renault Alpine A610.



Thank you for reading guys! Look forward to more updates. Hopefully as I add characters they will come out of the wood work to post their thoughts about how the story is going or how they like their character representations. You guys know who you are. Post dang it! laugh2.gif

EDIT: Since the filters are gone, I've gone back and changed Newt Gingrich back to Perry.


[ This post was made possible by the new multiquote function™ ]

This post has been edited by THE_HONDA_CG2 on Jul 20 2012, 01:13 PM
Nicholas86
Posted: Jul 13 2012, 11:10 PM


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QUOTE (THE_HONDA_CG2 @ 26 minutes, 53 seconds ago)
Takumi resigned to look down AS his phone when someone bumped into him.

Is that supposed to be "at"?

Anyway, take it slowly....Life is really busy sometimes(more like all the time)..........
Meteor
Posted: Jul 16 2012, 12:11 PM


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As a reward for updating this fic, here's the continuation you requested.
SPOILER


Anyway, liked reading this chapter too. And I really liked the description of the character's surroundings as they walked around downtown. Fumihiro deciding to heading into a record store came out of nowhere, but still stayed credible since Initial D never really revealed much about him anyway, so for all we know this could be completely in-character for him. Liked all the other descriptions of the settings in this chapter too. Writing was nice as always, so this chapter also avoided being boring despite the filler aspect of it.
Haven't found any typos in it so far besides the one Nicholas already pointed out, but I do have another nitpick for you.
QUOTE
Takumi shrugged and looked back at his phone, it suddenly dawned on him that he was the only one left standing in the aisle. Quickly glancing around in panic he saw that everyone else had diffused into the store; Alastair was still shuffling through the techno tracks, etc.etc.etc.

I'm thinking the paragraph this was taken from would read better if the underlined part ended with a full-stop instead. But I might be wrong here. EDIT: I am wrong here.

The fact that even Ryousuke didn't know what a Renault was felt weird to me though. Renault isn't a particularly obscure brand so atleast he should be able to recognize the name. And I'm thinking our glorious leader might be able to recognize the name too.

By the way, the word filter now seems to replace all instances of our glorious leader's name with Newt Gingrich. You might need to bypass the filter if this is still going on by the time you have the next chapter ready (and bypassing it is possible, last time I checked). Just letting you know.


Keep the chapters coming smile.gif

This post has been edited by Meteor on Jul 16 2012, 12:12 PM
THE_HONDA_CG2
Posted: Jul 16 2012, 01:15 PM


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Thank you for the feedback Nicholas86 and Meteor. I'm looking over the chapter again and rewriting some stuff here and there but there isn't much I can do without making it seem super different. Ryosuke does know what Renault is, but he's being mysterious as usual. I'm working on the next chapter as we speak so it should be up within the month. How do you guys want it? A race between Alastair and Project D or shall I cut back to Japan and see how Bunta is doing? The path of the story can go either way and all you have to do is choose. happy.gif

EDIT: Holy crap, I totally just noticed this Newt Gingrich business. I think I'll wait for the post testing to finish up at the moment. Meanwhile let me just sit here and laugh at it. laugh2.gif

This post has been edited by THE_HONDA_CG2 on Jul 16 2012, 01:50 PM
Meteor
Posted: Jul 16 2012, 01:28 PM


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A race between Alastair and Project D right now sounds really sudden, so what Bunta's up to in Japan sounds like the better idea to me. It might be a nice change of pace for the fic. And then there's also that whole business with the R33 thing for Bunta to look into.

This post has been edited by Meteor on Jul 16 2012, 01:29 PM
Nicholas86
Posted: Jul 17 2012, 12:03 AM


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I would like to see how Bunta searches for a R33 cool.gif
A race between Alastair and Project D can be hold off for now.
THE_HONDA_CG2
Posted: Jul 17 2012, 07:05 AM


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Excellent. Its like you guys can read my mind or something. I'm already finished with the first draft of the chapter and guess who's in it! I'm working on adding the final details and such. I know this week, I should have quite a bit of time set aside for writing so hold on to your seats! Its about to get real in here! biggrin.gif


EDIT: Ok guys, I'm holding to my promise and posting up the next chapter now. I know it seems like Bunta is out of character, but this is my version of him. Hate it if you want, but I rather like it like this. If I get enough complaints then I will rewrite his character. Now I present you Chapter 17. Chapter 18 will take a while for me to finish, but I hope that means it will be good! happy.gif




~Chapter 17: Flash You Back~

As this area of high pressure hits the Kanto region we will be experiencing increased temperatures. Authorities advise that the elderly and people with existing conditions to minimize their exposure to the sun. For those who will be going out, remember to stay hydrated and safe. Local community centers in the...

The local weather forecast was interrupted by the sudden rustling of a stack of newspaper collapsing on itself as Bunta Fujiwara rummaged through the messy living room for the keys to his beloved Impreza. The room was a mess; cans of beer on the floor, a stack of unwashed dishes on the table, various piles of trash and laundry strewn about the four corners of the room and a heap of now knocked down newspapers. The man of the house was going around the small room shoveling the debris from the ground into a garbage bag to no effect. The only place where the original tatami mat was visible was a large oval roughly the size of Bunta himself, off to the side was the blanket he threw off to the side in a rush to answer the phone earlier in the day. He stepped on the TV remote changing the channel to the next news station.

The heat wave is causing more trouble in the Tokyo area. Rolling blackouts have been reported in the Shibuya and Shinjuku districts. Officials say that the problem will continue into the next week and urge all to conserve electricity during the peak hours by going to community centers or the malls to escape the heat. The heat has taken its toll...

"WHERE ARE THE KEYS TO MY IMPREZA!?!" Bunta kicked an empty can out of the way in frustration. With Takumi gone, there was no one to do the chores and the living quarters quickly fell into a state of disarray since the start of the heat wave. To save and reduce electricity usage, the man took up residence in the lower level of the house instead of his regular room on the second floor. But as soon as that decision was made, the living room instantly gained the appearance of a landfill. The clock that hung from the wall watched the proceedings as Bunta continued to shovel empty food wrappers and cans into the black bag while heaping the laundry into a single pile in the corner. "Damn kid... leave me alone for a month to clean this house all by myself. And then he calls me out of the blue, not to check how I'm doing, NO! He calls me to tell me to look for a car. The nerve of kids these days. Absolutely no respect for their elders." He continued to rummage through the things on the floor picking up dirty articles of clothing and tossing them into the growing pile of laundry that needed to be done. He cleared the dishes and various magazines off the table to no avail. He was finally cleaning the living room, but not finding what he was looking for. "Ugh, why is this room such a mess in the first place? We've only had three mahjong nights so far and it looks like a tornado hit this place." Clearing the last few pieces of trash off the floor the only thing left was the light summer futon that sat by the TV, unnoticed and--mostly--unused it was the last place anyone would ever think of hiding their own set of keys under. "If this is where the keys are hidden here I swear... Yuichi better have some explaining to do." Stepping up to the last item on the floor, he eyed it with malice, with one heave of the patterned blanket Bunta saw it. The six silver stars that marked the Pleiades constellation against a deep blue emblem on the handle of the key. The keys to his Subaru Impreza.

"Yuichi... that bastard!" Bunta grinned and quickly finished cleaning up the room. Tying up the bag of garbage and tossing it outside he went back into the small living room and turned the TV off. He looked at the pile of laundry underneath the clock. "That can wait till I get back." He smirked, leaving the laundry to be done after he finished his task, he strolled to the bathroom on the second floor with his last change of clean clothes.

A chorus of cicadas greeted Bunta as he slipped into his Impreza, it was late in the afternoon and the sun was at still its peak. There was no shade in the small alleyway and the heat from the sun reflected off the midnight blue chassis creating a small area of distortion around the car. "Crap! Ow ow ow! I forgot this summer weather turns this damn car into an oven, ugh." Shuffling around in the car he attempted to cover the seat with the basketball shorts he was wearing. "Ok let's go." Turning the key in the ignition, Bunta smiled as the car rumbled to life. The orange needles on the dashboard swept across the gauges and settled back in their usual positions except for one. Bunta stopped and peered at the gas gauge. "Are you kidding me?" Tapping on the glass as if to urge the needle to swing back to the FULL mark, "I have to fill up on gas? Damn it." Resigning to his fate, Bunta quickly pulled the car into drive and sped down the street to his local gas station.

"HEY IKETANI! You can go on lunch break now!"

"Thank you boss!" as the young man ran back to a parked Nissan Slivia and slid into the driver's seat. The jade car sprang to life and pulled out of the lot into the busy street.

A blue car rolled into the ESSO gas station as the owner walked out, "Welcome! How may we help you to--BUNTA! What brings you out to these parts today?"

The old man killed the engine and stepped out of the car. Digging around in his pockets he drew forth the last crushed cigarette from his pack and lit it. "Hey Yuichi, fill 'er up. High octane."

"Sure." The owner of the shop started his work, looking over his shoulder to his friend he continued, "It's strange seeing you out here at this time of day, the bars aren't even open yet!"

"Is it wrong for me to get out of the shop every once in a while?"

"No no! Nothing like that. I'm just wondering."

"Yuichi, I know what you did. You bastard. You think you can hide the keys to my car from me?"

Yuichi gave a mischievous smirk, "Why Bunta. I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Don't lie to me. I found my keys under that futon. Don't think for a second I forgot that you were over at my place just the other night for a few rounds of mahjong."

"So what if that was me? You can't prove it."

"You're mad you lost so much money the other night. I know your game Yuichi. We've been friends for how long?"

"Ok ok fine. I seriously need to stop gambling with you before you run me into the ground. Anyway, what ARE you doing out here?"

"Takumi asked me to find a car."

"What?"

"Yeah, that's what I said. Well he wants me to find a white R33 with Gunma plates."

"That shouldn't be too hard right? There aren't too many of those around these parts. Do you know if it has any modifications?"

"Nope. He was pretty vague, just a white R33 from this area. Do you know the chances it is still here?"

Yuichi left the pump and took a seat next to his friend, taking out a cigarette for himself he took a drag and sighed thoughtfully, "It's probably still here. Knowing your luck you shouldn't have trouble finding it."

Bunta chuckled, "Hey! Just because I beat you at mahjong all the time doesn't mean that I'm lucky! You just never know when to stop playing."

Nudging his friend, "BAH! I'm not kidding here Bunta. You're going to find this R33!" The quiet click of the gas pump signaled that the tank was full. Throwing the butt of his cigarette down and getting up, Yuichi suddenly adopted a serious tone, "What are you going to do when you do find it?"

Bunta did the same with his cigarette sighing, "I don't know. Contact Takumi and let him know I guess. Maybe I'll sit down and have a chat with the guy."

"You're too spontaneous man." The boss walked over the car and finished up, recapping the gas tank he turned back to his friend, "Well, I'll keep an eye out for it too. Good luck Bunta."

Taking a few bills from his pocket and handing them to the shop owner, he walked back to his car. "Heh, thanks Yuichi. I'll give you a call when I find it, then we can celebrate at the bar. If I find it first then you're paying my tab."

"Is that a challenge Bunta?" Yuichi had a small grin on his face, "I'll take you up on that then. Now get out of here."

"You don't have to tell me twice." He slipped into his waiting car and started the engine.

Yuichi waved as the Impreza pulled out of the gas station. Bunta shook his head as the watched his friend retreat back into the shelter of the air conditioned office. Turning the air condition dial on max and thumbing the stereo button on the dashboard the midnight blue beast roared down the street towards an unknown destination.



Yay! A new chapter within a week! I hope I didn't disappoint! smile.gif

This post has been edited by THE_HONDA_CG2 on Jul 23 2012, 07:21 PM
Perry
Posted: Jul 20 2012, 07:23 PM


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Oh my goodness!! I can't believe I am a good SEVEN chapters behind. @_@ I apologize for my lateness in replying your thread! Once I am done with my current project, I'll give you a detailed comment post. smile.gif
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Meteor
Posted: Jul 23 2012, 04:44 PM


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This take on Bunta is unexpected, but interesting and not entirely out of character. It actually felt like Bunta could be like this.

At the risk of being repetitive through pointing out things you consistently do well anyway. . . .
Nice work establishing the different settings yet again and nice job with the characters yet again. You can really see everything in this chapter play out in vivid detail.
The italised text at the start, Bunta searching for his keys, plus the quick, clear descriptions of the state the room is in shows you a TV turned to the news in a messy room that really looks messy; and also shows you what Bunta's up to while really integrating him into this setting.

It is surprising that the room would get that messy just because Takumi's not around, but the mention of the three mahjong nights explains it away. And the mention of - and explanation for - Bunta switching residence to the ground-floor felt in-character since Bunta actually is a bit of miser.
We now see Bunta cleaning his room. Clear descriptions here help visualization and Bunta's monologues keep it all from being boring. And now he's found his keys.

Once he's done preparing to go out we see another good example of how to establish a setting. There are much fewer words used for it this time and you can still hear the cicadas and see just how hot the weather outside is. And Bunta reacts to it appropriately.

Bunta wearing basketball shorts; and outdoors too. . . . Don't think I'll ever get used to that.

Nice description of the car starting up. And now Bunta knows it's low on fuel. . . So off to a certain gas station.

Iketani drives out, Bunta drives in, we see Bunta and Yuichi/Yuuichi/Yuiichi/Yuuiichi/howthefuckshouldIspellthis talk to each other and get some nice dialogue in the process. Plus some few descriptions here later on to help further with visualization and keep this part from just being a wall of dialogue.

And Bunta's off to an unknown destination. I want to know what happens next.

Typos:
QUOTE
"If this is the keys are hidden here I swear... Yuichi better have some explaining to do."

QUOTE
Bunta stopped and peered at the gas gage. "Are you kidding me?"

QUOTE
"Heh, thanks Yuichi. I'll give you a call then I find it, we can celebrate at the bar. If I find it first then you're paying my tab."

QUOTE
Turning the air condition dial on max and thumbing the stereo button (missing word) the dashboard the midnight blue beast roared down the street towards an unknown destination.

For the third one, you could also change that comma to a full-stop.

Two comma-related nitpicks:
QUOTE
The man of the house was going around the small room shoveling the debris from the ground into a garbage bag to no effect, the only place where the original tatami mat was visible was a large oval roughly the size of Bunta himself, off to the side was the blanket he threw off to the side in a rush to answer the phone earlier in the day.

The first comma doesn't work well. EDIT: And now I find that the first comma was alright and it's the second comma that was problematic (needs an "and" there instead"). Meh, no need for you to bother fixing it. Sorry about getting this wrong the first time 'round. Don't know what I was thinking then.
QUOTE
Stepping up to the last item on the floor, he eyed it with malice, with one heave of the patterned blanket Bunta saw it, the six silver stars that marked the Pleiades constellation against a deep blue emblem on the handle of the key. The keys to his Subaru Impreza.

And here the second comma doesn't work well.

So, anymore quick updates coming up? Because I still like reading these smile.gif

This post has been edited by Meteor on Aug 19 2012, 09:49 PM
THE_HONDA_CG2
Posted: Aug 19 2012, 04:00 PM


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QUOTE (Perry @ Jul 20 2012, 08:23 PM)
Oh my goodness!! I can't believe I am a good SEVEN chapters behind. @_@ I apologize for my lateness in replying your thread! Once I am done with my current project, I'll give you a detailed comment post. smile.gif


You're only going to get more behind if you don't step up your game Perry! Just kidding, updates are coming around slower as I have been suffering major writer's block, but hopefully that will go away as time goes on. I'm getting more and more excited about Fifth Stage so I'll probably be thinking about my story more as we get closer to the date. I hope you're not getting overworked with that project of yours! smile.gif

QUOTE (Meteor @ Jul 23 2012, 05:44 PM)
This take on Bunta is unexpected, but interesting and not entirely out of character. It actually felt like Bunta could be like this.

So, anymore quick updates coming up? Because I still like reading these smile.gif


Thanks for the corrections Meteor, I've fixed up a couple of things here and there. I don't know what I would do without you man, you're a lifesaver! Thank you! Sorry about not updating this faster. pinch2.gif

Bunta is a troll dad, didn't I mention that already? I'm actually modeling him a bit after my dad just for fun. If you talk to me enough on the IRC or on skype or just chatting with me in general you might be able to see where I get the casual father/son relationship. It's really tough to explain, if you really want to find out more about it though, don't hesitate to jump into the IRC and ask me! I would be more than happy to explain/tell everyone about the funny stories that my dad and I share.


Ok, enough of me jabbering away pointlessly, you guys want this chapter huh? Well then, enjoy! Chapter 18! Hopefully I didn't disappoint! A huge thank you to everyone who is out there reading, if you have any thoughts, comments, or questions don't hesitate to post here! I promise I don't bite! happy.gif



~Chapter 18: Searching~

♪Station to station play with emotion, wanna lead a new revolution!~♫

The Impreza continued up Mount Akina sliding through the turns with ease. Of course it was the middle of the day and there were other cars going up and down the mountain but that never really mattered to the master of the beast. The car sped up the road as a dragon would, reaching for the heavens; the boxer engine roared in delight as it reached the peak.

♪Station to station ready for action, gotta feel the power inside you!~♫

The Impreza started down the mountain heading for the expressway that led to Mount Akagi. Bunta sighed as he peered over the center of the dashboard while digging around the glove compartment in the middle of a drift, looking for a new pack of cigarettes. Touching the wheel lightly the car tipped out of its drift and continued down the street. "AH! Here we go." Bunta took the new pack of cigarettes and straightened up; he professionally opened the cellophane pack with one hand and shook the box. A single cigarette answered the call; Bunta balanced it on his lower lip and reached for the lighter in the cup holder. Opening the lid and clicking the flint, a small flame started to dance; touching the fire to the tip he inhaled. The tip ignited with an orange glow before Bunta snapped the lid closed. He gazed at the downhill before him.

♪Run away far from here, you better run tonight…~♫

Admittingly, it was very noisy in the car but over the sound of the stereo, air condition, and the hum of the boxer engine itself another car was heard. Instinctively Bunta wound the AC off and turned the stereo down. A few seconds later the unfamiliar roar of another engine was heard and in the rear view mirror a white flash, a white GT-R. Bunta took his cigarette out and laughed, "THIS IS TOO EASY! YOU MUST BE KIDDING ME. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY?" He downshifted and turned the stereo and AC back on.

♪Modem talking, modem walking in the streets. New DES-I-RE!~♫

It didn't surprise Bunta as the GT-R continued to follow the Impreza down the road, both of the cars were downhill monsters and the street ahead of them was their battle arena. It was easy to see from the way the opponent handled his car that the guy knew what he was doing, the white car slid effortlessly around the turns; almost as effortlessly as the blue car. This was the first real challenge for Bunta since Ken Kogashiwa all those years ago; this was only the beginning of one hell of a race. Bunta inched the driver’s side window down and flicked the cigarette butt out of the car, the moment it hit the ground it was crushed by sixteen hundred kilograms of raging white steel. Bunta lit another cigarette and checked his rear view mirror, all he saw was the glare of the darkened windshield; he nearly dropped his smoke in surprise, "Woah, this guy is good. He's following my line, but how can he be following me so closely?" The sound of the GT-R backfiring answered the question for him. "Oh right, this guy is local. This is his turf too. I really have to sit down and talk to this him after all this is over." He downshifted again and passed a jade Silvia going the speed limit.

♪Rage your dream, toki o kakenukete yuku kaze mo hikari michite yuku…~♫

"HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE HECK ARE THESE TWO GUYS THINKING RACING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY?!?"

Koichiro Iketani sat behind the wheel of his S13 with a look of utter surprise on his face gazing blankly after the two high end Japanese sports cars that just passed him at a blazing one-hundred and ten kilometers per hour while he was cruising at a cool sixty kmph. Mako Sato shared his same astonished face, she looked at her boyfriend, "Iketani, are you ok?"

"Yeah... I'm just a bit shaken, don't worry Mako. Just... getting passed by an Impreza and a GT-R... That Impreza looks familiar too... Could it be Takumi's dad?"

"It could be... Just concentrate on driving Iketani."

♪Get the satellite, if you want to see me! Talking on the net, I know the way you like it…~♫

Bunta grinned as he rounded another turn, the boom of the boxer engine was better than a fifty piece orchestra any day. "GET YOUR CREDIT CARD, IF YOU WANT TO SEE ME! ALL I WANNA GET. IS. YOU. BABY! RUNNING IN THE NINTIES!" Bunta was giddy with excitement as he exited the apex of the corner. The Impreza straightened out and flew down the last straightaway before the official start of the expressway. The GT-R fell behind during that turn in a sloppy drift; it was obvious, the grip on the tires of the white car was gone. Bunta glanced over his shoulder and saw the inconspicuous flash of high beams in the middle of the day, the race was over; the victor was already determined. Letting off the throttle and slipping the car into neutral, the Impreza cruised into the parking lot of a roadside café with the GT-R following. Parking next to each other, the engines of the beasts were silenced at the same time; with a sigh Bunta clicked the door open and pushed himself out of the car, bringing himself to full height and looking over the roof of his car at the tinted driver's side window of the R33.

Bunta had time to rummage through his car for a bottle of water and light the third cigarette of his pack before the muffled click of the door lock opening was heard. Bunta placed his bottle of water on the roof of the car and tensed up as the door opened and a disappointed groan was heard. "Oh no. The grips on these new tires are gone! What am I going to tell my dad!?" The young woman who stepped out of the GT-R rushed around to inspect her car completely ignoring the older gentleman who just defeated her in a road race. Bunta snuffed the cigarette out on the sole of his shoe and approached the girl who was frantically looking at the rear of the car and shaking her head at the sight of the bald tires. When he was about a meter away she glanced at him and stood up; being the observant man he was, Bunta saw that she was no older than Takumi and very VERY attractive according to the long white sundress she was wearing. She jumped at the sight of the old guy looking back at her, bowing deeply her long black hair cascaded down her shoulders, "Oh! Sorry! Thank you for the race; it's been a while since I had a challenge like this..." Looking back at her car, "But I think I might have pushed it a little too far."

Bunta smiled and scratched his cheek, "Heh, sorry. I guess this is my fault for going a bit too hard on you. It's been a really long time since I was able to mess around like that on any road." The steady ticking of the engine cooling kept the time, ten seconds of awkward silence. "OH! Now where are my manners?" Taking a step forward and extending a hand he introduced himself, "Bunta Fujiwara. It was a pleasure racing you."

The girl returned the handshake, "Katsuko Tomoyuki. You can just call me Katsuko, and the pleasure is all mine sir." She smiled and looked at the Impreza. "Such a powerful car..." She paused, looking for a way to address the older man.

Bunta laughed and also looked at his car, "No need to be so formal, Katsuko. If you ask me to call you by your first name then it’s only right if you address me by my first. Just call me Bunta." She looked at the old man gazing lovingly at his own car, he continued. "There is still so much to be done to this car... It's far from perfect." He looked at the GT-R, "I'm surprised you can drive this car so well at your age. It takes a lot of skill, from the sound of the engine it must be heavily tuned. Did you do all this yourself?"

Katsuko sat on the lip of the trunk, her white dress blending in perfectly with the body of the car. "No. My father did most of the work quite some time ago when he was still racing. He has since retired from the scene and bought himself another car."

"To work on?"

"No just to drive to work and back. He's grown out of the racing business. The car was supposed to go to my older brother but he’s too busy with medical school to learn how to drive something like this. I will admit it though, this car is one tough ride!" A dry summer breeze swept through the pass, Katsuko pulled a stray strand of hair out of the way and stood up. "My, it is hot today. Would you like to continue our conversation inside Mr. Fujiwara?"

Bunta smiled, "I was just about to ask you that."

"Well then, what are we waiting for? Since you won the race this will be my treat!" She started for the entrance to the café, her dress billowing behind her as she walked. Bunta stared for a bit before following, the only thought in his mind, 'Yuichi is never going to believe this!' and with a renewed spring in his step he ran forward to get the door for the young lass.


[ This post was made possible by the new multiquote function™ ]

This post has been edited by THE_HONDA_CG2 on Sep 20 2012, 07:59 PM
Sanae
Posted: Aug 20 2012, 03:00 AM


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Just as I promised and since so far I've been having a very peaceful day at work (it helps we're like four people in the entire office!) I started reading your story and, quite honestly, I could not stop reading until the end.

Before I move on to the review, I'd suggest you get this published on fanfiction.net, I'm sure there are a lot of people there who'd love to read this story, one doesn't need to be familiar with IDWF in order to follow Perry, Meteor, Alastair and the rest of the characters based on IDWF members.

That said, I like the story a lot. It's got a pretty strong plot and, in spite of the fact that the whole Project D goes to America has been used before, you managed to give it a fresh twist adding characters that gave a mysterious feel to the story (to be honest, when I read the first parts about Perry in front of his monitors, I was kind of expecting him to be petting a white fluffy cat, no idea why...)

The style is also quite good and fluid enough to allow for fast reading. I'm not the fastest reader (even less so when reading from a computer screen) and it only took me an hour an a half to go through all 18 chapters, that's a really good thing, IMHO.

I only found two typos, one in the prologue where you wrote "piecing" instead of "piercing" and also, in the last chapter, it's CREDIT not CERDIT, right?

On a more subjective note, there were only two things which bothered me: one I could work with and it's the fact that your Takumi seems waaaay too outspoken to be entirely on character but since it's been one year since the end of Project D, you could justify it by saying he's grown up and become confident enough to treat even someone like Ryosuke like an equal. Same thing applies for Kenta.

The other thing which did bother me a bit more is that everyone seems to be on first-name basis with Takumi, if I don't remember incorrectly, the members of Project D called him Fujiwara. If you want to give your story a bit more of realism, I'd be careful with that, you know that in Japan, the use of first names implies that two people are very close, if they're not, they use their surname or they add -san or -kun after the first name. But it's your story so, feel free to do it your way!

To finish off, the title of the first chapter made me think of Mulan, you know, the song the soldiers sing as they head for their first mission....it made me laugh out loud but that's because I'm weird that way.

At any rate, it's a brilliant story so I hope you'll update it soon! happy.gif

PS: Sorry for the long-winded review!! pinch2.gif

This post has been edited by Sanae on Aug 20 2012, 03:02 AM
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Spaz
Posted: Aug 20 2012, 04:26 AM


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QUOTE (Sanae @ 1 hour, 26 minutes ago)
when I read the first parts about Perry in front of his monitors, I was kind of expecting him to be petting a white fluffy cat, no idea why...

What, Perry is Cee Lo Green???
Sanae
Posted: Aug 20 2012, 04:48 AM


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QUOTE (Spaz @ 21 minutes, 24 seconds ago)
What, Perry is Cee Lo Green???

No, no, Ernst Stavro Blofeld from James Bond - You Only Live Twice.

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Spaz
Posted: Aug 20 2012, 02:16 PM


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QUOTE (Sanae @ 9 hours, 28 minutes ago)
No, no, Ernst Stavro Blofeld from James Bond - You Only Live Twice.

I know. smile.gif

I was just making a joke.
Sanae
Posted: Aug 20 2012, 03:35 PM


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I c wut u did thar...tongue.gif
You had me wondering why you'd think I would think of Perry as a badass rapper...oh wait... ;-)

To Honda-chan, sorry for hijacking your thread. I hope this won't hurt your muse because we all want MOAR.smile.gif

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THE_HONDA_CG2
Posted: Aug 22 2012, 02:23 PM


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QUOTE (Sanae @ Aug 20 2012, 04:00 AM)
Just as I promised and since so far I've been having a very peaceful day at work (it helps we're like four people in the entire office!) I started reading your story and, quite honestly, I could not stop reading until the end.

Before I move on to the review, I'd suggest you get this published on fanfiction.net, I'm sure there are a lot of people there who'd love to read this story, one doesn't need to be familiar with IDWF in order to follow Perry, Meteor, Alastair and the rest of the characters based on IDWF members.

That said, I like the story a lot. It's got a pretty strong plot and, in spite of the fact that the whole Project D goes to America has been used before, you managed to give it a fresh twist adding characters that gave a mysterious feel to the story (to be honest, when I read the first parts about Perry in front of his monitors, I was kind of expecting him to be petting a white fluffy cat, no idea why...)

The style is also quite good and fluid enough to allow for fast reading. I'm not the fastest reader (even less so when reading from a computer screen) and it only took me an hour an a half to go through all 18 chapters, that's a really good thing, IMHO.

I only found two typos, one in the prologue where you wrote "piecing" instead of "piercing" and also, in the last chapter, it's CREDIT not CERDIT, right?

On a more subjective note, there were only two things which bothered me: one I could work with and it's the fact that your Takumi seems waaaay too outspoken to be entirely on character but since it's been one year since the end of Project D, you could justify it by saying he's grown up and become confident enough to treat even someone like Ryosuke like an equal. Same thing applies for Kenta.

The other thing which did bother me a bit more is that everyone seems to be on first-name basis with Takumi, if I don't remember incorrectly, the members of Project D called him Fujiwara. If you want to give your story a bit more of realism, I'd be careful with that, you know that in Japan, the use of first names implies that two people are very close, if they're not, they use their surname or they add -san or -kun after the first name. But it's your story so, feel free to do it your way!

To finish off, the title of the first chapter made me think of Mulan, you know, the song the soldiers sing as they head for their first mission....it made me laugh out loud but that's because I'm weird that way.

At any rate, it's a brilliant story so I hope you'll update it soon! happy.gif

PS: Sorry for the long-winded review!! pinch2.gif

Don't worry about long winded reviews Sanae! I love reading feedback and improving my writing techniques. I've read and reread my prologue chapter countless times and I never caught that typo. Derp me I guess. derp.gif

Thank you for the compliments! It really means a lot that a master like you took the time off the read what I have written. I hope that everyone continues to read, I need this kind of support to continue writing. happy.gif

I'm still on the fence about publishing this on fanfiction.net since I don't have an account there and I don't plan on writing anything else after I finish this project. Who knows, I might change my mind and publish this after I'm completely done.

On the subjective notes that you mentioned, they're really good points. It's starting to bother me too. Haha, I probably should go through all the chapters and change up the way they refer to each other before I go any farther. As for the characters acting out of character, I have a problem with that. I purposely made the time frame a year after the conclusion of Project D in hopes that maybe the nuances I wrote would be believable. Alas, I get carried away. I'll probably take a hiatus after this chapter and rework the chapters I already have done.

The title of the first chapter was actually taken from that Mulan song! I've had a few of my beta readers laugh at it too, it was kinda my point. A few of the other chapter titles are also lyrics from songs, but I guess it isn't really that obvious huh?


Anyway, I'm updating now! YAY! laugh2.gif



~Chapter 19: Found~

Bunta was greeted by the gentle breeze of air conditioning as he entered the small restaurant. Being the middle of summer, couples were out in full force. The small café was full of pairs; young teenagers holding hands, sharing tall glasses of iced tea or coffee, or eating from the same bowl of ice cream. It was awkward seeing a pretty young thing being accompanied by a ragged old man. The two shuffled around the restaurant floor avoiding questioning looks from the other customers--finally after what seemed like an eternity--they found an empty area in the far corner, Katsuko slipped into an empty booth and quickly motioned Bunta after her.

"This is probably not one of my better ideas." Katsuko stated placing her purse on the table and glancing around for a server. She sighed and with a professional wave of her hand she called forth one of the waiters from the other side of the café. Bunta raised an eyebrow as a young man, no older than her came jogging up to the booth, "Good afternoon. How may I help you today?"

"A parfait for me and..." She paused looking at the older gentlemen for an answer.

"An ice cream Sundae with extra cherries, hold the nuts." Bunta smiled.

"Oh! And two iced coffees please."

"A parfait, Sundae with extra cherries no nuts and two iced coffees." The server mirrored back to the pair, looking inquisitively at Bunta.

"Yes sir!" Katsuko replied cheerfully to bring attention away from the old man she was eating with. The waiter glanced at her and nodded before walking off to the counter to place the order. "So Mr. Fujiwara, what is a man like you doing on the streets in a car like that?' She gracefully motioned to the Impreza that stood outside next to her car.

Bunta scratched his cheek, "I should be asking you the same thing Katsuko."

"Well I asked first. You tell me and I'll tell you." She answered playfully.

"Isn't the answer obvious already? I'm a street racer."

"As am I. I'm the number one driver of the new RedSuns team."

"Oh? You mean the team that the Takahashi brothers headed before creating Project D?"

"The one and only. The older brother, Ryosuke Takahashi, and my brother both go to the same medical school."

"Interesting. My son, Takumi, is the downhill ace for Project D." Bunta scratched his chin and looked at his Impreza outside.

Katsuko's eyes widened in surprise, sinking deeper into the plush seat, her voice dropped to nearly a whisper. "You don't mean THE Takumi Fujiwara that single handedly beat every top racer in the Gunma area?"

"The one and only, Katsuko. I taught the kid everything he knows." Bunta stared at her surprised expression.

"You taught him how to drift?" She asked breathlessly.

"Yes. Now stop acting so surprised and get your jaw off the floor, you look silly." Bunta chuckled.

"I can't believe it though, your son is a racing legend and if you taught him then you have to be a racing god! I mean he defeated Purple Shadow's Toshiya Joshima and the top students from the Todou School! He's basically undefeated!"

"Well then, you were able to keep up with a racing god today. Give yourself some credit."

"Mr. Fujiwara..."

"Katsuko, stop being so star struck. You're making me blush." Bunta grinned.

The young girl looked at the man smiling at her and couldn't help but smile back. "I'm not star struck; I'm just surprised at my luck. Having the chance to race with you is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I can’t thank you enough."

"No need to thank me, I was actually out looking for a car like yours. If anything I'm the lucky one. I need to ask you some questions." Bunta’s smile was suddenly replaced by solemn frown.

"Oh... You were looking for me?" Katsuko looked down at her purse, now surprised by this turn of events.

"Well first I need to ask you how long you've been driving."

"I got my license two years ago."

"And your dad had this car before you right?"

"Yes." Katsuko looked at her interrogator with a hint of new found suspicion.

The waiter returned to the table with a little silver platter of food and began setting down the dishes. "Sorry for the wait you two! Just call for the check when you're done."

"Thank you sir." Bunta pulled his bowl closer and inspected his Sundae before digging in; counting the cherries--seven--his lucky number. "So tell me Katsuko, did your father do some traveling with this GT-R while it was in his care?"

"Yes actually, he went to Californa for a business trip a few years back." She poked at her five layer parfait, the concern quickly growing on her face.

Bunta looked at his spoon and turned it over in his hands. "Katsuko, I think you're person I'm looking for. Well more specifically, I think I've been looking for your dad."

"What did my father do?" The strawberry on the tip of her spoon fell back into the cup of yogurt.

"I'm not sure, but I would like to speak to your father about this. Is there the chance I can meet him?"

"Uh... Sure. I'll call him as soon as we're finished here." The girl looked very disheartened as she continued to play with her food.

"Thank you Katsuko. Now stop playing with your food, that's not very lady like." Bunta tried his best to give a fatherly smile.

She looked up at the man smiling at her and couldn't help but return the smile. "Hmph, you sound just like my dad."

"Ha. You're talking to an old man who has a son." Bunta grinned as he picked up his third cherry with the spoon.

The young woman laughed. "So tell me about yourself Mr. Fujiwara. What do you do?" Bunta scratched his cheek and a fairly boring conversation ensued. Little did they know, two pairs of eyes were watching them. Three booths down a young man and woman sitting backwards peering over the seat, trying their best to be inconspicuous. "Iketani, is that Bunta Fujiwara?"

"I think so Mako. What the heck is he doing here? That's his Impreza parked outside and that GT-R is right next to it. Is that girl the driver of the GT-R?"

"SHHHHH!" Mako hissed, "If you want to find out then be quiet! I need to hear."

"Okay..." Iketani sat forward and sipped at his iced tea dejectedly. A few minutes later, his glass was half empty. "Mako? You got anything?"

The young woman heaved a sigh and resumed her seat. "It looks like they're just talking about random things. Nothing really exciting. Sorry for snapping at you Iketani."

"It's ok, let's get out of here before Bunta notices that we were here." They quickly finished their food, paid the tab, and snuck out through the front entrance.

Half an hour later Katsuko finished the last strawberry in her parfait and called for the check. Bunta started shuffling through his pockets for his wallet. "Hey, what are you doing Mr. Fujiwara?"

"Paying the bill?" The old man took a few bills out of his pocket.

"Too late!" She placed exact change on the receipt and a few extra bills as tip. Getting up from the booth she beamed at the old man. "Shall we go now?"

Bunta looked dumbfounded as he stared from the money on the table to the young woman walking away from the table as he realized the severity of the situation. "Uh... KATSUKO! WAIT FOR ME!" He got up and followed her out of the café. The sun beat down on the parking lot, the cars reflected and magnified the heat, it was almost oven-like.

"Hey dad, I have someone who wants to see you... You're at home right?... Mhm. Mhm, don't worry dad. I think you'll be surprised to meet him... No! He's not my boyfriend. You'll see when I get home... Okay, okay I know. I'll be safe. Thank you dad... I love you too. I'll see you soon." She took the phone away and pressed the end call button, noticing Bunta walking out she smiled. "Well shall we be going? I'll lead the way."

"Let's go then!" Bunta followed the young lass to their cars.


Oh my, two chapters in one week. Am I going crazy? Nah, it's just my muse coming back to me! Thank you for reviving it Sanae! biggrin.gif

This post has been edited by THE_HONDA_CG2 on Oct 2 2012, 10:37 PM
Sanae
Posted: Aug 23 2012, 03:46 AM


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Oh, the plot thickens, ne? I wonder what the two old men will talk about (how dare I call Bunta an old man? I'll be doomed forever! tongue.gif ) also, I'm kind of liking Katsuko, she's quite a handful, isn't she?

At any rate, nice addition and, of course, I'll look forward to reading what happens next.

About your reply to my first review:

If it helps your decision, there are TONS of authors registered in ff.net who have only published one story. You don't need to become a serial novelist to have an account there. The worst that can happen is that the extra feedback you might get might actually push you into getting more creative and write more stories. I'm sure you can live with that, can't you?

Also, I love reading so don't worry about my taking time to enjoy your story. I actually started writing fanfiction AFTER I had been an avid reader for years. I continue to read stories if they get my attention and yours definitely has.

Last but not least, I hope your other fans won't kill me for causing this hiatus but I think that if you feel the need to change some things in the material you've already written, it's best doing it now rather than when the story will be much, much longer. You have no idea of how daunting a task is to review a 50+ chapters story....and you probably don't want to know! pinch2.gif

Anyway, I'm glad I revived your muse. Please let me know what she likes to eat and I'll order a maxi-portion of it for her! happy.gif

Love, Sanae.

EDIT: there are a couple of things I spotted that should probably be changed but I'll let Meteor do his job, he's a much better proofreader than I can ever hope to be!

This post has been edited by Sanae on Aug 23 2012, 03:50 AM
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Nicholas86
Posted: Aug 23 2012, 05:56 AM


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Found a typo,at the last third paragraph:
KAUSUKO-->KATSUKO...

Anyway,I like reading fanfiction,and this one has great story,continue writing CG2 smile.gif

I'm not good at proofreading,too.So don't expect much suggestions from me.
Tuskano
Posted: Aug 26 2012, 01:52 PM


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WOW... +1 reader you just got. I am at chapter 17 right now, but the storyline competly blew me away with them coming to the states and how you have the other drivers portraying those on the forums. I am not much of a proofreader as I tend to overlook alot of mistakes as I read, but I will add onto this when I am caught up with the read.

PS: I had to stop reading and laugh it off for about 10 minutes after I read Bunta's "Moshi moshi, Jesus desu." >.< ...I don't think I will ever be able to keep a straight face when I hear that now, because I can easily imagine Bunta's expresionless face while saying that over a phone.
Meteor
Posted: Sep 15 2012, 01:48 PM


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Took a long while to (finally start to) review the new chapters, didn't I?

Chapter 18
♪Station to station~♫ (Because the few lyrics in this chapter get in your head)
QUOTE
The Impreza continued up the Mount Akina sliding through the turns with ease.

The first "the" here sounds weird and removing it would make the sentence sound better.

Drifting on public roads in the middle of the day? Are you sure that's a good idea Bunta?
But anyway, decent descriptions for Bunta's driving up Akina. A little vague, but the briefness provided by that is good for such a small scene that's really only meant to quickly set up the chapter.
Then he turns the car around for a downhill run and we get that classic scene where everyone's favourite chain-smoker begins taking out cigarettes mid-drift. Sure put a lot more detail into this one.
That scene was pure Bunta.

You missed two words here.
QUOTE
Admittingly, it was very noisy in the car but over the sound of the stereo, air condition, and the hum of the boxer engine itself another car was heard.

And here, the "another engine" bit makes it sound like the GT-R isn't the same car that he heard just before. A little rewriting could be done here.
QUOTE
Instinctively Bunta wound the AC off and turned the stereo down. A few seconds later the unfamiliar roar of another engine was heard and in the rear view mirror a white flash, a white GT-R.


Yep. Funny coincidence that he came across a white GT-R so soon (though I wonder if it's the same white GT-R that Alastair came across). Also, Bunta sure is loud this time. Nothing wrong with it, but I do think this line from him would sound more Bunta-like if it wasn't in all caps.

Some more vaguely described racing, but it's still written well enough to give you a decent picture of what's happening. And it's probably better this way, since the point of this chapter wasn't race scenes and the quick descriptions make the plot progress quickly. Also:
QUOTE
Bunta inched the driver’s side window down and flicked the cigarette butt out of the car, the moment it hit the ground it was crushed by sixteen hundred kilograms of raging white steel.

This turned out to be a powerful description.

They soon pass an S13 with two people inside.
So Iketani and Mako managed to hook up again off-screen. Wonder how that came about.
Nice way to give them a quick appearance. Adds to the plot development too and doesn't interfere with the chapter's main events.
And now. . . . Wait, is Bunta actually singing?

Haha, feels so weird seeing Bunta singing like that. That'd be unexpected even for First Stage Bunta.
But still:
♪RUN-NING IN THE NINE-TIES~!♫

Typo:
QUOTE
Bunta was giddy with excitement was he exited the apex of the corner. The Impreza straightened out and flew down the last straightaway before the official start of the expressway. The GT-R fell behind during that turn in a sloppy drift; it was obvious, the grip on the tires of the white car was gone.

That "the grip on the tires of the white car was gone" bit doesn't sound right to me either, but I'm not entirely sure why.
Anyway, there's the end of the race scene (and a decently written wind-down with the two cars rolling into the parking lot). As a race scene, it wasn't much. But it was nice plot development. Bunta's found something during his search, we know how good this GT-R driver is and we know that Bunta is impressed.
Now for the reveal. Who is this GT-R driver? And is this GT-R the exact same one that nearly killed Alastair?

To Bunta's surprise, the answer to that first question is a young girl with an apparent habit of expository monologues.
Now that we know that the tires are worn out and that she's worried about her dad'll react, we get the little details of Bunta disposing of his cigarette and then walking towards this new character. I always like these little details. They always add to the story without making their respective scenes drag on.
QUOTE
Bunta saw that she was no older than Takumi and very VERY attractive according to the long white sundress she was wearing.

Not sure of the "according to" bit, but I'm not sure of how to best replace those two words either.

Here come the introductions, with more nice little details strewn about throughout the rest of the chapter. So now we know a little more about Katsuko and now Bunta's running after her to open a door.
Heh. Feels weird to see Bunta running. I was expecting him to walk calmly in situations like these.

Another nice chapter with a decent conclusion. Chapter 19 review to be edited in later because I'm too damn slow with review these days.
(Seriously. It took me this long to type up just this much? Something must be wrong with me.)
Chapter 19 review now up.

Chapter 19
Doing a good job at establishing the setting again. The mention of Bunta being greeted by the A/C is itself a good start and the whole first paragraph gives you enough information to know just how incredibly out-of-place these two racers are in this particular cafe.

I'm guessing "cinematic" is a suitable adjective for the descriptions of all the small moments strewn throughout the chapter (as usual). Again, they're quick, paint the scenes in your head and contribute to making the whole chapter an enjoyable read.
And the dialogue's still convincing too.
QUOTE
"An ice cream Sunday with extra cherries, hold the nuts." Bunta smiled.

By the way; shouldn't that be Sundae? Or is Sunday how it's actually spelled?
(Can't remember the correct spelling since I haven't used that word in ages. Don't really feel like checking for it in the dictionary myself right now either.)
QUOTE
"I can't believe it though, your son is a racing legend and if you taught him then you have to be a racing god! I mean he defeated Purple Shadow's Toshiya Johshima and the top students from the Todou School! He's basically undefeated!"

This is another thing I'm not sure of. I've seen it spelled as Joshima and Joushima and according to Battle Stage 2 it's Jojima (which I presume can also be romanized as Joujima), but I've never really seen it spelled as Johshima. Anyone know more about this?

So she's the Red Suns' new #1. Her driving sure shows it. Speaking of which: Are the Red Suns going to be showing up in this story soon?
Also, Katsuko getting so star struck was fun to read.
And then the mood instantly changes as soon as Bunta begins asking his questions. Said change in mood was expertly written.
And after those questions are answered, the way the mood changed back so quickly was well written too, keeping it from seeming fake.
Nice timing for Mako and Iketani to show up again. We're going to be seeing more of them in the coming chapters aren't we?

So now Mako and Iketani have snuck out of the chapter, Bunta gets taken off guard when Katsuko pays the bill before him (another fun scene) and now they're out on the oven-like parking lot (there's your talent at establishing settings again).
And one phone call later, Bunta's set to meet the GT-R's previous owner.

Looking forward to reading the next chapter.

This post has been edited by Meteor on Sep 30 2012, 01:17 PM
THE_HONDA_CG2
Posted: Oct 4 2012, 11:25 PM


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Oh boo! It's been much too long since I've updated this thread with a chapter. Since you guys have been so patient with me, I am going to reward you with two whole new chapters! I'm sure this is going to leave a sad face in everyone's mind, I know it did for me since I had to stop writing after chapter 21 due to time constants. But enough of my lame excuses, let's get to feedback...

QUOTE (Sanae @ Aug 23 2012, 04:46 AM)
Oh, the plot thickens, ne? I wonder what the two old men will talk about (how dare I call Bunta an old man? I'll be doomed forever! tongue.gif ) also, I'm kind of liking Katsuko, she's quite a handful, isn't she?

At any rate, nice addition and, of course, I'll look forward to reading what happens next.

About your reply to my first review:

If it helps your decision, there are TONS of authors registered in ff.net who have only published one story. You don't need to become a serial novelist to have an account there. The worst that can happen is that the extra feedback you might get might actually push you into getting more creative and write more stories. I'm sure you can live with that, can't you?

Also, I love reading so don't worry about my taking time to enjoy your story. I actually started writing fanfiction AFTER I had been an avid reader for years. I continue to read stories if they get my attention and yours definitely has.

Last but not least, I hope your other fans won't kill me for causing this hiatus but I think that if you feel the need to change some things in the material you've already written, it's best doing it now rather than when the story will be much, much longer. You have no idea of how daunting a task is to review a 50+ chapters story....and you probably don't want to know!  pinch2.gif

Anyway, I'm glad I revived your muse. Please let me know what she likes to eat and I'll order a maxi-portion of it for her!  happy.gif

Love, Sanae.

EDIT: there are a couple of things I spotted that should probably be changed but I'll let Meteor do his job, he's a much better proofreader than I can ever hope to be!

Aw Sanae! I'll publish this on FanFiction.net after I'm completely finished with the story then. I don't want to go back and forth correcting all my typos because goodness knows how much of a pain that is. And I am very prone to making a lot of mistakes. derp.gif

I definitely have my muse back, but all I need is time now. I want to write but I have so many other things going on. I do hyper intensive writing sessions that last about five to six hours at a time but they only happen about once every month and a half. That means that half of my time is usually devoted to reading the cliff notes versions of the chapters I've come up with. I hope that as time passes I get used to being this busy, for now I'm content with the pace I'm writing at. Now more than ever since we are getting into more exciting plot points and I do all that I can to ensure the quality of my writing.

QUOTE (Nicholas86 @ Aug 23 2012, 06:56 AM)
Found a typo,at the last third paragraph:
KAUSUKO-->KATSUKO...

Anyway,I like reading fanfiction,and this one has great story,continue writing CG2  smile.gif

I'm not good at proofreading,too.So don't expect much suggestions from me.

Thanks Nicholas86! I'm always glad to hear that my story has a decent plot. Sometimes I wonder where the direction of this is heading though. Especially with these new chapters...

QUOTE (Tuskano @ Aug 26 2012, 02:52 PM)
WOW... +1 reader you just got.  I am at chapter 17 right now, but the storyline competly blew me away with them coming to the states and how you have the other drivers portraying those on the forums.  I am not much of a proofreader as I tend to overlook alot of mistakes as I read, but I will add onto this when I am caught up with the read.

PS: I had to stop reading and laugh it off for about 10 minutes after I read Bunta's "Moshi moshi, Jesus desu." >.<  ...I don't think I will ever be able to keep a straight face when I hear that now, because I can easily imagine Bunta's expresionless face while saying that over a phone.

Wahahahahaha! Thank you Tusky! I get a smile on my face every time I read this specific post. I hope you like how I'm developing Bunta's character, I put a lot of thought and consideration into his mannerisms.

QUOTE (Meteor @ Sep 15 2012, 02:48 PM)
Took a long while to (finally start to) review the new chapters, didn't I?

Heck yes it did! I was totally waiting for you to post something up before continuing. It really looks like I'm not really improving with those race scenes huh? I know I have a very limited knowledge of cars and their inner workings. I try my best to remedy it, but that isn't really getting me anywhere is it? I really hope this filler and plot advancement really makes up for what the racing scenes lack. If not then I'll be coming to you for help more often in the future.


Woohoo! My first two chapter update in a really long time. I sat down to really write this up last night because it came to me in a dream around 6PM and I finished it all around 1AM. CRAZY! I know. But I just couldn't sleep until I got everything down. So everything here is my raw emotions in words. I hope I did a good job with the second chapter in this update. I am quite surprised by the way it turned out. Dramatic cliff hangers for the win!



~Chapter 20: Two Old Men~

Katsuko reached her car first and turned to face the man following her, "I'll lead. This time no racing ok?" She playfully placed her hands on her slender hips and stared at him.

Bunta took his car keys out of his pocket and looked at the girl, he couldn't help but smile and shrug. "Okay okay. No promises though."

"Promise me Mr. Fujiwara!" This time being serious.

Placing his right hand on the roof of the Impreza as if taking an oath to office, "Yes ma'am... I promise not to race. OW! My car feels like a freaking stove. Can we get out of here now Katsuko? I'm melting."

Dropping the façade, Katsuko leaned against her car and laughed. For a solid three minutes before she regained her composure. Wiping the tears from the corner of her eye, she straightened up."Shall we go then?"

Bunta gave her an exasperated glare, unlocking his car he started the engine and turned the AC on full blast. Peering over the roof, "After you my lady."

"Thank you my good sir." Turning around she unlocked her car and climbed into the driver's seat. The RB26DETT suddenly roared to life.

Mirroring the white car, the boxer engine in the blue car roared back. Through the dark tinted window, Bunta saw the movement of a hand waving. Suddenly the car parked in the space next to him moved and started cautiously rolling through the lot. He followed and within five minutes they were back on the expressway.

Bunta was smoking probably the sixth cigarette of the pack when he remembered the bet he had with a certain friend who owned a certain gas station. Making sure that the traffic around him was calm enough he allowed his eyes to wander to the small screen of his cellphone. Holding the three button the phone automatically dialed a number. Looking back to the road, everything was as he left it, the R33 was still in front of him. Thumbing the speakerphone button and throwing the phone into an empty cup holder the dial tone sounded a couple times before it was replaced by a familiar sounding voice; "Hello?"

"Moshi moshi, Jesus desu."

"FUCKING BUNTA! YOU KNOW THAT GETS OLD AFTER A WHILE."

"Oh yeah? Then why are you laughing Yuichi?"

"Because you're stupid. Now what do you want?"

"I found it."

"You what?!?"

"I found the R33."

"No way. That quickly?"

"Yeah, you're not going to believe who the driver is."

"You're right. I think you're lying. You really want me to pay for our bar tab tonight don't you?"

"Really? You think I'm lying? Well then, you'll definitely find out tonight when you pay for our tab when we go to have dinner with the drivers of the white R33 I've found." Instead of the voice of Bunta's incredulous friend, the phone replied with silence. "Hey Yuichi? You didn't have a heart attack did you?"

"No. But I really don't want to make bets with you anymore. What's in it for me if you ARE lying?"

The driver of the Impreza thought for a bit before replying, "Oh. Let me think... You can have my Impreza and I'll do anything for you."

"Damn it. You drive a hard bargain Bunta, I'm in."

"Okay. I'll call you later." It took all the effort in the world for Bunta to keep a straight face while saying that.

"Uh-huh. Bye." Dial tone rang though out the car. Scooping up the phone he looked at the display, as it changed from the call screen to the main screen; a picture of his beloved 86 and the Impreza that he was sitting in right now with both Fujiwara sitting on their hoods. Bunta's mind began to wander back to his son, Takumi. Why was he on this crazy mission again? "OH CRAP! I HAVE TO CALL TAKUMI!"

He quickly pressed the seven and speakerphone keys before returning the phone to the cup holder. The dial tone rang four times before it was picked up by a sleepy sounding Takumi. "... Hello?"
"Hey son."

There was a moment of silence while Takumi was probably waking himself up for the mental tennis match that was a conversation with his father, "Oh hey dad. Why are you calling so late? It's nearly three in the morning here."

"I just wanted to let you know I might have found the R33 that you asked me to find."

Another few seconds of silence, the white car ahead of him exited the expressway and slowed down considerably before entering a busy downtown district. Instead of the voice of his son replying to his statement, an unfamiliar voice came through the phone. "Ryosuke Takahashi here."

"Ah, Ryosuke. I’ve found the R33 that you asked me to find."

"Hm, is the driver skilled?"

"It's not the same driver as before, but from the information that you've given me along with the sportsmanship that I've seen and the answers to the questions I've had, I have every reason to believe that this is the car that you've been looking for."

"I have no doubt in your skill Mr. Fujiwara. There are a few more things I'd like to ask of you though. Is that alright with you?"

Bunta shrugged even though the motion was quite useless in a phone conversation, Ryosuke couldn't see anything, "I'm already up to my eyes in this situation, might as well know all the details. So what do you want me to do?"

Ryosuke condensed Alastair's story into two minutes as the midnight blue Impreza followed the polar white Skyline into a gated community with large western style houses. The leader of Project D finished his soliloquy with, "Any questions Mr. Fujiwara?"

"No sir. Just tell this to Katsuko's father and see what happens from there. I understand."

"Thank you, please call us with updates as soon as you get them."

"Of course." The phone replied with dial tone for the second time that day as the R33 pulled into a large beige house with a well-kept beige Toyota Crown and red Subaru Vivio parked in the large cobblestone driveway.

Bunta pocketed his phone as he pulled into a spot next to the Nissan Skyline. After killing the engine he climbed out of the car and looked around. A bespectacled man clad in a dark colored western style suit walked out of the front doorway and strode towards the cars that appeared in his driveway. Their eyes met for a brief moment, Mr. Tomoyuki paused and nodded, while Bunta bowed; the two shared a silent greeting. Both of them smiled as the muffled click of the R33 attracted their attention; Katsuko stepped out and spotted her father. She ran towards the man and jumped into his arms. "Dad!"

The older man roughly Bunta's size tried his best to pick his daughter off the ground in a bear hug, "Hey sweetie! Is this the friend that you were talking about?"

Breaking away from her father's arms and standing next to him, she looked at the friend in question, "Yes dad! This is Bunta Fujiwara, he's the father of Takumi Fujiwara ,who is one of the two aces of Project D along with Keisuke Takahashi, who is the younger brother of Ryosuke Takahashi, who is Big Brother's best friend!"

"My my! Dear, that is quite an introduction. You'll have to give me a file containing all this information if you do anymore research into this." Katsuko couldn't help but break into a grin that made her look at least five years younger. Mr. Tomoyuki smiled, the kind features on his face reflected his sincerity; looking at Bunta he introduced himself, "Akihiko Tomoyuki. It is a pleasure meeting you Mr. Fujiwara. Thank you for making sure that Katsuko made it home safe." He strode forward and extended a hand.

Taking it up in his own and shaking it, Bunta returned the smile, "The pleasure is all mine Mr. Tomoyuki but I’m not really one for formalities, you can just call me Bunta."

"If that's the case then you can just call me Akihiko. Shall we step inside? Standing around in this summer heat with a suit is not the most ideal thing to do." He motioned to the front door that still stood open.

Katsuko was already halfway to the door when her father made the suggestion. Turning around, she called back to the two men, "I'll get some tea ready!" She took a few steps backward before gracefully turning on her heel and sprinting up the steps to the door.

Akihiko chuckled and shook his head, "What am I going to do with that girl?" He started for the door.

Bunta shrugged, "I don't know, she's your kid."

Akihiko really laughed this time, "What? No tips for me?"

"I have nothing for you Akihiko, she's a great kid and a really good driver to boot. You should be proud of her."

"And I am." He stepped off to the side and motioned Bunta in first. "Welcome to my home. Feel free to make yourself comfortable."


~Chapter 21: Breakdown~

Bunta stepped inside and peered around the elegant atrium, taking note of the minimalist Japanese style that he was familiar with. Akihiko closed the door gently behind him. He quickly slipped out of his dress shoes and walked over to a small shoe shelf to put them away. He picked up two pairs of indoor sandals and put one on. He handed the other pair to the other man. "You can put your shoes here." Pointing to the area next to a small pair of white flats that he assumed to be Katsuko's.

"Thank you Akihiko. I must say, you have a wonderful looking house here."

"Thank you Bunta. Let me show you to the sitting room."

Bunta put on his pair of sandals and silently followed the man through the house. Thousands of thoughts were running through his head, if all the information that Ryosuke gave him was really true, then how could a man this innocent and unassuming possibly attempt to kill anyone? The sound of a door clicking open brought Bunta back from his thoughts. He looked around and noticed a very clean lounge complete with a flat screen TV that quietly displayed the local news. Akihiko motioned him to step in first, nodding and quickly adding "Thank you." Bunta stepped inside and seated himself on a leather sofa.

Leaving the door open behind him, Akihiko entered the room and took a seat on one of the leather reading chairs. He picked up the remote to the TV and turned it off. "So Bunta, how was your race against my daughter?"

"She"s an amazing driver if she was able to keep up with me, and I'm sure that whoever taught her has skills that rival mine."

Akihiko chuckled, "You give me too much credit, I just taught her the basics of driving and provided her with a car when she asked for one."

"She told me that you used to race back in the day. I'm sure you taught her more than just the basics."

The man with the glasses smiled, "Ah that? Katsuko always makes me out to be a great street racer when she talks to her team."

Bunta laughed, looking around the room and he pointed to himself he stated, "Me on a team? Never. I was a lone wolf back in my day, and I'll always will be."

"Aw! Why do you like driving around by yourself? You'd make an awesome team leader! I'd give up my number one position on the RedSuns to be on your team!"

Both turned to face the door which was now partially filled by Katsuko's small silhouette holding a tray of tea, "Sorry. May I come in?"

Akihiko smiled, "Of course you can dear."

Katsuko gave her father a small nod and walked in placing the tray on the little marble coffee table she started to serve the tea. The smell of Oolong tea filled the room; after she finished pouring herself a cup, she seated herself on a smaller reading chair next to her dad. "Mr. Fujiwara, thank you again for the race. It was a great learning experience for me, I'm in your debt."

Bunta scratched his cheek, "It was no problem, I'm glad I found you when I did."

"Maybe it was destiny huh? So do you think you can get me Takumi's autograph? Better yet? Can I have your autograph?! Oh, Tokoji is going to be so jealous when he hears of this!" She bounced lightly in her seat.

Akihiko looked at her sternly, "Katsuko, Mr. Fujiwara is our guest. Please don't bother him like this."

Katsuko returned her father’s gaze for a brief second and the sudden realization dawned upon her. She quickly got up and turned to Bunta, bowing deeply, "I'm sorry Mr. Fujiwara."

Bunta was taken aback, "Katsuko, you're fine. I'll get you something signed by me when I leave."

The girl looked at Bunta who smiled and then she looked at her father who nodded. Looking around the sitting room she noticed that one thing was missing, "Dad, where is Big Brother?"

Akihiko placed a hand on the rim of his glasses in thought, "Sho's definitely home right now. Uh, I say check the library. If he's not there then he's probably asleep since I don’t hear anyone playing the piano."

"I'll go look for him, Mom's home too right?"

"Yes she is. I think she's in the garden with Hoko."

"Oh! Can they all meet Mr. Fujiwara since he's a racing legend?"

The father let out a defeated sigh and rolled his eyes, he got up from his chair and brought his daughter in for a hug, "Yes dear. Let's make this a family affair shall we? I haven’t been home in a while."

Katsuko uttered a small heartfelt "Thank you" into his chest and returned the hug. For a moment, Bunta was observing a very intimate scene. About a minute later she pulled herself away from her father and wiped something away from her face, "Thank you Dad! I'll get enough tea cups for everyone too. Don't you think we should move to the living room now since Hoko isn't allowed in here?"

"Of course. Please tell everyone to wait in the living room. Mr. Fujiwara and I have a conversation that we need to finish."

Katsuko nodded and with that she pecked her father on the cheek and skipped out of the room to look for her older brother.

Akihiko returned to his seat and sighed, "I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm usually out traveling on business so I haven't been home in half a year. With that being said, everyone is always looking forward to seeing me, but I only return to Gunma for business and then I'm off again."

Bunta waved his hand as to swat away that apology, "Don't bother yourself over this, I told you Katsuko is a good kid. You should be proud of her."

"Thank you Bunta. It's always good to be home, maybe this time I'll be able to take a vacation and spend a little time with my family. Ah, but enough of my boring family matters, what did you want to speak with me about specifically? Katsuko made it sound serious over the phone."

"Oh... well, truth be told, I wasn't out for a leisurely drive today, I was actually looking for your R33 specifically."

"Oh? I understand that there are very few of them on the road in this area. I'm flattered that you actually took the time out to look for my car."

Setting down his tea cup, Bunta mentally prepared himself for the statement that was to come. "There's more to this than just meets the eye Akihiko. I've received a call from Ryosuke Takahashi, and he's led to believe that you nearly killed someone in the States a few years back."

Akihiko froze as Bunta finished the sentence; he gently placed his cup on the table and took off his glasses. Rubbing his eyes with one hand, he sighed then began speaking--more to himself than to Bunta, "Oh god, that G25... That night... It was all a mistake." He suddenly looked up and realized that there was another person in the room with him, his hand fell to his side and there was a look of indescribable horror on his face. He whispered, "Bunta, how did you know?"

"Ryosuke Takahashi told me." Bunta answered simply.

"The owner of that G25... Did I kill him?"

"No, he's fine. He just wants answers."

Akihiko placed his elbows on his knees and his forehead in his hands. A second later, he began speaking quietly to the ground, "Well, Katsuko told you I was once a street racer. She's not lying, the R33 that you raced is of my creation. I've had that car for ten years and I've made it into what it is today. That night was the reason why I retired from racing." He took a deep breath; his calm voice began to quiver. "I run a small corporation that deals with surgical goods and supplies, three years ago I was in Northern California for a conference--back then I was still actively racing and I had brought the GT-R for an exotic car show that they were holding in San Francisco. To make a long story short, the business deal went sour and my company nearly went under. It's understandable that I was mad right?"

Bunta nodded once in silence, it was better if he heard everything the other man had to say before giving any verbal judgment.

"... I was livid, they turned me down because my company was apparently too small!" The last word came out as an agonizing hiss, the man trembled before continuing. "You know how much that hurt me and the company? The entire trip was supposed to be perfect. I was looking to double the quarterly revenue with this deal; instead I made the stupidest mistake of my life..." Akihiko's hands grasped fistfuls of his graying hair, "I promised Katsuko that I wouldn't race while on that trip... I broke my promise to her. That night, I didn't show up at the convention center; instead I took to the canyons to blow off some steam. I didn't care about what I did to my car; I wanted to beat the living hell out of anyone who got in my way. That Infiniti G25 was the first on my list. All I wanted to do was get rid of the car that was in front of me, I succeeded on the downhill. I dropped the damn car into the ravine and drove off." His voice rose with each word he spoke, his tone became more and more frantic, "I had no other thoughts running in my head. I just wanted to destroy something to fill the emptiness in my being. I should have stopped to help him. I should have never gotten into my car after that meeting... I should have never broken my promise to Katsuko..." The man's shoulders trembled as he tried to withhold his tears.

Bunta stood up from his seat and walked around the table to the man sitting in the leather reader chair. He knelt down and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Akihiko..."

"I deserve to go to hell Bunta." Akihiko looked up from the ground, he gained ten years' worth of wrinkles on his face in the span of ten minutes. Bunta looked back at him, he saw only sorrow and regret in those bloodshot eyes.

"No you don't."

"But if I was able to control my emotions that night, I probably would still be racing and we wouldn't be in this situation." He looked back down at the rug in shame.

"Do you really think that would have been for the better?"

Akihiko paused for a moment, "... I did something terribly wrong that night. I should have been the one in the ravine."

"If you did that then Katsuko would never have her loving father and your family would never have the chance to be whole again. The G25 driver is alive and doing well, he took that ordeal and turned it into an experience, he's moved on and you should too. Learn from your mistakes Akihiko; that is the only way to live life." Bunta removed his hand and waited for a reply from the other man.

Akihiko gazed at Bunta and blinked hard, new tears rolled down his cheeks. He opened his mouth to speak, no words came out. Taking his face in his hands he sobbed, the three years of pent up shame and guilt was obvious in his screams. His shoulders heaved as he tried to get a hold of himself, Bunta could only imagine the torment that ravaged the man sitting before him. He quickly turned around at the tiny sound of a door opening; Katsuko cautiously peered in, "Mr. Fujiwara, it's been more than a few minutes... what's wrong?"

Bunta stood up and stepped aside, revealing the girl's father sobbing on the armchair. "I'm sorry Katsuko..."

Bunta didn't even have time to finish his sentence because Katsuko ran up to her father and knelt before him, placing her small hands on his knees, "Dad! What's wrong? Please stop crying."

Akihiko looked over his hands and saw the beautiful face of his young daughter wrought with worry. "Katsuko, I'm a terrible father... I broke my promise to you..."

The girl wrapped her arms around his neck completely ignoring his previous statement, "I don't care. One promise is nothing. I'm just happy that you're home."

"Katsuko..." The father returned his daughter's embrace as new tears welled up in his eyes; together they cried in silence. Bunta stood awkwardly off to the side as the faint sound of barking and with footsteps grew down the hallway. Fifteen seconds later a tall young man followed by a small woman entered with a little red shiba inu nipping at her heels.

The pup wandered towards the kneeling girl and yipped while the young man stood frozen in the doorway of the room, "Father! What's wrong?"

Katsuko broke away from her father's arms and looked back at the rest of her family that was now gathered before her. She stood up and walked to the woman and buried her face in her mother's chest. The woman slowly wrapped her arms around her daughter in an effort to comfort her.

Akihiko stood up from his seat and walked towards his wife and children; shadowed by the shiba inu. Halfway across the room he stumbled, the young man caught him by the arms before any damage could be done. "Sho..."

Sho helped his father up, "Father, don't over exert yourself."

"Sho, I'm sorry for not being here more often. I'm a terrible father..."

"Shhhh... There is nothing you should be sorry about. You're home and that's all that matters." He used his wide arm span to gather his family into a group hug.



Oh man, crying2.gif to the max... How can I do this to Katsuko's family?

This post has been edited by THE_HONDA_CG2 on Oct 5 2012, 04:27 PM
steele01
Posted: Oct 8 2012, 06:41 PM


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Just read this from start to finish biggrin.gif absolutely cracking bit of writing, keep it up smile.gif
Meteor
Posted: Oct 13 2012, 11:05 PM


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QUOTE
It really looks like I'm not really improving with those race scenes huh?

Don't worry about that. You did do pretty good with the 86 VS FR-S race. These recent race scenes simply aren't the focus of their respective chapters (because you've got plot developments you want to get to), so it's only natural the writing in them won't stand out as much.
QUOTE
I really hope this filler and plot advancement really makes up for what the racing scenes lack.

I'm pleased to say that it does.

So 2 new chapters in one go yet again. I wonder if that's becoming a habit of yours. Not that I'm complaining tongue.gif Nice work again CG2.
A relaxed start to chapter 20. More nice dialogue, more nice little details, more laughter for 3 solid minutes straight oh wait that only happened in this chapter.
They're on the expressway 5 minutes out of the parking lot. Later Bunta is on his sixth cigarette when he remembers to call Yuiichi. This nicely demonstrates how much time has passed overall. Speaking of that call, there's your cinematic writing style again as Bunta makes that phone call. That's still appropriate here - Bunta quickly glancing back at the road half-way through making the call was a good touch. And him putting the cellphone on speakerphone and in the cup holder clarifies that he's not holding a cellphone to his ear while driving.
Might be what you consider filler. But it's still the non-boring kind.
Another fun-to-read conversation ensues. Liked how Yuiichi went silent for a bit after finding out Bunta's already found the R33. Same for Bunta struggling to keep a straight face at the end.
QUOTE
"Uh-huh. Bye." Dial tone rang though out the car.

I'm not sure about this, but shouldn't that be "A dial tone" or "The dial tone" or "The sound of dial tone" or something?

So Bunta has a pic like that on his cellphone. Imagining that pic getting taken amuses me. Details like who was holding the camera, whether or not Takumi had that completely bored expression on his face as usual, whether or not he was entirely up for having that pic taken, etc.
And now he calls Takumi and tells him about the R33. The silence on the phone as the R33 exits the freeway and slows down for some busier roads before Ryousuke eventually picks up the phone paints another vivid picture in your head.
And now he's about to meet the R33's previous driver. Nice, descriptive writing again as the two reach the house and the man Bunta's looking for steps out to greet them. And then some more fun-to-read moments courtesy of all three of these characters.

Well, they're getting along quite well already. This Akihiko Tomoyuki's seems like a fairly nice person.

(Wait. Is Akihiko a guy's name? Don't only girl's names end with ko? Eh, I don't really claim to be an expert. . . Nah I'm likely in the wrong here)

6:32 in the morning now (then the internet went derp so I had to post this even later). Anyway, I'll continue the review later. But I have to agree.
How could you do that to Katsuko's family?

Chapter 21 was good too btw.

This post has been edited by Meteor on Nov 18 2012, 01:52 AM

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