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> Joke of the day, Warning: Not Work Safe / PG13
Zangetsu
  Posted: Mar 21 2005, 10:03 PM


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OK this is kinda sexist but my friend told me some jokes


Joke #1: A few men just came out of their bar when just then a very sexy girl came up to them. One of the guys got the balls to ask her for her name. "Its me Benny!" Said the girl. "I had a sex change so my name is now bernice". Wow they all said. One of them asked, "What hurt the most? When they ripped off your penis?" He/She said "nope!" He asked again, "O! I know its when they ripped off your balls". She said "NOPE! its when they opened my skull and took out half my brain!"


Sorry to all the girls here whistling.gif
KeisukeR
Posted: Mar 21 2005, 10:05 PM


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......nothing to say
pusher1
Posted: Mar 21 2005, 10:09 PM


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unless someone witty can save this thread...

IBTL
WRX DEMON Type R
Posted: Mar 21 2005, 10:20 PM


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Here's a couple i shamelessly "borrowed" from jokes.com.

Shark Attack

Why wont sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

Justice Prevailed

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”

The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately.”

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

KeisukeR
Posted: Mar 22 2005, 12:55 AM


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Your sig is so cute... a big whell impreza
spinnee
Posted: Mar 22 2005, 01:51 AM


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Alrite here's mine:

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep.

All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cow standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry.
"If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen.
You can choose on your own..."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered.
But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed.
And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shi**ing all over the bed!"

==============================================

A beautiful, well endowed, young lady, goes to her

local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she

looks about the store, she notices a box full of

frogs.



The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back

Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions)."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's

watching her and whispers softly to the man behind

the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged

the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions

carefully."



The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her

way home. As soon as she closes the door to her

apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and

reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to

do:



Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down on the bed.



She then quickly gets into bed with the frog!

and, to her surprise, nothing happens!



The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at

this point. She rereads the instructions and notices

at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any

problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the lady calls the pet store.



The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today.

I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.



The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done

everything according to the instructions and the

damn thing just sits there."



The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog,

stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do

this one more time!"

===================================

A 90-year-old ma n was having his annual checkup.

The doctor asked h im how he was feeling.

"I've never been b etter," the old man replied. "I've got an
eighteen-year-old bride who's pre gnant & delivered a child. What is
your opinion about that, Doc?" the o ld man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment, then said, " Well, let me tell you a
story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for
hunting. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally
grabs his umbrella i nstead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So he's
walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in
some brus h in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at
the lion and squ eezes the handle.

BAM! The lion drop s dead in front of him."

"That's impossi ble!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must
have shot that lion. "

"Exactly"... Said the Doc



Sorry no offense to anyone too ^__^
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PlastikmaN
Posted: Mar 22 2005, 05:52 AM


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ta dun ! tssssh!

wrx demons was the best, IMO
plarp
Posted: Mar 22 2005, 06:50 AM


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all these jokes are horrible tongue.gif
Zangetsu
  Posted: Mar 22 2005, 06:52 AM


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QUOTE (PlastikmaN @ Mar 22 2005, 05:52 AM)
ta dun ! tssssh!

wrx demons was the best, IMO

What does that have to do?


These jokes are really good! what r u smoking!
Peace
Posted: Mar 22 2005, 06:59 AM


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I especially enjoyed the engineer in hell and the man becoming a hen parts smile.gif Hellz of funny
PlastikmaN
Posted: Mar 22 2005, 08:08 AM


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i said in my opinion i liked 2.5 demon's jokes the most. why you have a problem with that
killerenergy
Posted: Mar 22 2005, 08:19 AM


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A shark in whiskey is mighty risky, but a shark on beer is a beer enginer.

Iceman
Posted: Mar 22 2005, 08:26 AM


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ohohoh nice last two spinnee
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PhantomaZero
Posted: Mar 22 2005, 06:13 PM


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A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard...

The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Best I could come up with.

This post has been edited by PhantomaZero on Mar 22 2005, 06:35 PM
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spinnee
Posted: Mar 22 2005, 06:33 PM


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Classic joke.... XD



Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady.
Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- They both had the lady TOGETHER.
Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER.
Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor.
- The second man swam to another island to search for jobs.
Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night.
Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man.
Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomizing the other because she was rejected by both.
Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The two men are still waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT on how to proceed.

note: sorry no offence... ^__~

=========================================

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and
serve the deer meat for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't
eat it if they know what it is. So he did not tell them what it was. His
little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper dad?" "You'll see", he replies.

They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking him what they
are eating. "Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother
sometimes calls me."


His daughter screams...


Don't eat it Jimmy! It's an asshole!"
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Peace
Posted: Mar 23 2005, 05:56 AM


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*~~ dies of laughter laugh.gif laugh.gif
admiralhonshu
Posted: Mar 23 2005, 06:22 AM


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Poor Joke, sorry this is not ment to offend.

Satan was so poor that he had to pray to God so he can get money to by some new underwear.

Lol!
Peace
Posted: Mar 23 2005, 09:13 AM


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Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor.
This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly.
WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces!
The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH.
The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces!
The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox,and out pops a little fly.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH!
A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around.
The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies - "Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!"


==

lol
spinnee
Posted: Mar 23 2005, 05:53 PM


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ROFL!!!! Peace, u're the best! thumbsup.gif

=======================================

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving and you're in the car!"
======================================

ok this may not be a really a joke, just a post for you guys to read:

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng
is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the
rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and
you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.Tihs is
bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?


This post has been edited by spinnee on Mar 23 2005, 05:54 PM
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Woffle
Posted: Mar 23 2005, 06:17 PM


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the last one is pretty old.
spinnee
Posted: Mar 23 2005, 07:24 PM


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sorry it's too old? ok...here's next:

Tokyo, Japan, April 4th - Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows and DOS systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been-until now-an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry."

The computer haiku messages are just as informative as Microsoft's and they make you pause just long enough that you're able to fight the impulse to put a fist through the screen. The chairman went on to give some examples of Sony's new error messages:


A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

You seek a Web site.
It cannot be located.
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Stop, reflect, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss.
The presence of absence.
"June Sales.doc" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao
Until you bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.
The Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

You step in the stream
But the water has moved on.
Page not found.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will

Having been erased,
The document you are seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

=====================================

here's a long one :

Creative Answering Machine Messages

"You have reached WPMS - 3 weeks of blues, 1 week of ragtime. WPMS."

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to
it instead. Wait for the beep."

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on,
wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in,
leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I
pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another
long answering machine message when you call me...


EXAMPLES:

(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have
fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call
until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but
I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh
a lot.

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in
"as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure
it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did
not work.

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to
suggestions.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for
repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her
tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked
while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My
owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get
back to you.

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your
touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch
tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone
now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to
work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please
wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press
pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If
you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for
extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your
number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle,
press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic

thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason
for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about
returning your call.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name,
number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can.
Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless
you, my child, and have a nice day.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and
number, I'll be right with you.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how
you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message
and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me
out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement
printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money,
or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name,
number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the
Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll
have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking
about it...

Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking
and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone.
Otherwise, well, what can I say?

This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number,
and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a
federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns
are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done,
our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally
thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this
initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will
contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our
service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me,
you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to
call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I
don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

(Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as
possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang
on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.)
OK, what would you like me to tell me?

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone
90 degrees and try again.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to
leave your name, number, and a message.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You
begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an
answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the
answering machine... You hear a beep...

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number,
I'll call you back when I am...

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and
number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an
answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe
YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if
it's reality, I will call you back.

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a
message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take
one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have
to deal with me in person.

This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do
FOR you.

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal
Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh,
I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did
you say you live?

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right
now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and
it's safe to leave us a message.

I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how
this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.

(Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the
executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave
a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.

Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections and
divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message
and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.

(Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond
due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber,
we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!

Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was
the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can
tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have
there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering
machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a
call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play
my beep for you.

(Ominous electronic background music:) In honor of Halloween, I'm about to
perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Unless
you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI
ACHERONTIS PROPITII...

Science fiction

Bridge, Kirk here.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a
transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

(Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier.
(Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two
semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. (Voice
3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.


Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe.
Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep
your hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside the car at all times.
Enjoy your ride.

(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right
now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or
perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he
will return your call.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler
in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the
future.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy
undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the
moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a
representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your
assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right
now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him
call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's
National Enquirer.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because
I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of
antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting
energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a
message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component
particles have been restored to their normal charges.

Brevity

I'm gone.

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

This is David. Talk to me.

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what
you-know-when.

You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the
nineties. You know what to do.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after
the beep.

This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. (Useful
to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting
message.)

(Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:) Don't you ever wonder
what life would be like? ...

Miscellaneous

(For Shakespeare lovers only:) So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit
Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message
though.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular
loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs
or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I
do. Bye.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull
their message out of this machine!

Rocky: Again?

Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious dog barking,
stops abruptly.)

Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number.

Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Recorded during a party:)
HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB
yeah!! we're having a party!! come on over! B
mike's not home right now!! Look out! E Hey
what are you doing? Careful it might spill. E
Was that the phone ringing? P

(A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went out for
beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravelly,
horror-film voice he recorded:) Hi, this is Kathy. I'm not myself right now.
If you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling
better.

Farewell

These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles
to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I
wake, Remember to erase the tape.

More Stuff

"Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG)

"Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy.
After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return
your call as soon as possible.

Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone right
now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please
leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!

C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little
beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like this--beeeeep,
just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well,
your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to
Vanna White. Sorry.

Kemosabe no in teepee now. You leave'um message after little smoke
signal,and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't
do that.

[Carefully modulated English accent, like Alex in A Clockwork Orange] Oh, my
brothers and only droogs, your poor narrator's not in now--he's out on his
oddy-nocky looking for a bit of pretty polly--some young devotchka with
horrorshow grooties. Leave thy message after the malinky beepie-weep, and
I'll get back to thee later, righty-right.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so
after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about
your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following
words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get back to you with my
diagnosis as soon as possible.

[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave me a message...leave me
a message....etc.

Thanks for calling the Suicide Hotline. At the tone, your telephone will
explode, sending fragments of metal and plastic deep into your brain....

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is
the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....

his is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System.
This is only a test.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep!
Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To
initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's
password is BABY BOOTIES.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to
test: 5...4...3...2...1...

OFFENSIVE TO MORMONS. Funny if you've been accosted by elders on bikes.]
Thanks for calling the Brigham Young School for Semi-Formal Bicycle Racing.
We can't come to the phone now because we're out proselytizing heathens, so
please leave your name and number.

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money.
I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name,
phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret
password.

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If
you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!....Don't....!

This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone,
sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but
I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I
guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait,
gosh. This is so confusing.

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the
instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch
this...YOW!!

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and
number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is
acetylcholinesterase {or clitoris, or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...}

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's
commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...er...bear a...er...shalt not
witness thy...uh...neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false...er...shalt not commit
a bear...dern...

{Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now
because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and
I'll get back to you.

[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage--my
shoulders really could use it, and, what? You're only supposed to leave a
MESSAGE? Darn....

Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im big fella
mek talkie-talk back real fas'

Proud Contributor of Initial D World Forums
Möbius
Posted: Mar 24 2005, 12:23 AM


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You weren't kidding about it being long.. wink2.gif
Proud Contributor of Initial D World Forums
Flyer
Posted: Mar 24 2005, 12:45 AM


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A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as to lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
Peace
Posted: Mar 24 2005, 09:21 PM


StillSkype ~! ^__^
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Spinnee!! Thats wayyyy long.. But the answering machine one rocks smile.gif

Flyer's was pretty funny too ..

LOL
Phantom_R32
Posted: Mar 25 2005, 08:20 PM


Trust me, I'm a doctor.
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Q:How did the canadians come up with the name "canada"?

















A: C eh? N eh? D eh?




bad humor...but oh well

This post has been edited by Phantom_R32 on Mar 25 2005, 08:22 PM

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