Although I did hit erase.
Yes, I know, I'm a little evil inside.
I don't believe I am above consequences, but perhaps I could explain why I'm here.
I hope we don't have a bad time.
Okay, enough joking around and bad Undertale references. I'm sure the majority of whoever is still 'active' around these parts hates that game, anyway.
Look, if you're reading this and aren't sick of me lingering by now then there's something you deserve to know. Especially if you care. If you don't, just move on with your life and forget this thread exists. It will be better for the both of us.
You're still here? I guess you do care, at least a little. Thanks for sticking around, I'll try to keep this brief but it'll still be long as there's much to cover.
So what you need to know is the truth, the truth about me. More specifically, why I came to this website as a 'member' and not just a visitor 11 years ago. I was running, and hiding. It's a long story, but in a nutshell I came from another forum where a select few people who didn't care for me conspired to destroy my reputation and executed their plan flawlessly.
I was still quite pliable back then and the two people I trusted the most turned on me. In school, I was an introvert with no friends. Finding myself banned from the forums, well, it destroyed me. That was the only social life I had. I isolated myself from the world and put up a wall I thought could never truly be broken, then remembered something. I came here previously to ask some questions about a cartoon I liked and thought, perhaps if I just assume a new alias and forget about the past, things will be good.
Well, they weren't. I mean, it worked for a while, but about 3 years ago the cracks began to show. I always wanted to just fit in, to run with the 'cool crowd', to feel valued. I also struggled to come with what is fiction versus what is reality, having spent my entire adolescence on cruise control and buried in a world of bittorrented, imported cartoons, my perspective was skewed from the beginning. I guess as I grew older - wiser, one might suggest? - people's expectations of me here changed. Except I wasn't really developing.
I was still trying to emulate whatever was sating my appetite for... what, I honestly don't know. I guess I wanted to live out Initial D and Need for Speed Carbon indefinitely. I can't explain the mentality I had because I still don't fully comprehend just what it was I was going through. I didn't have enough "outside reality" or something.
By 2013, it was pretty apparent that I hadn't changed a bit. It rubbed a lot of you the wrong way. People who I thought were friends wanted nothing to do with me, but I just simply refused to accept that. Somewhat consciously, I might add. I know there was another stupid thing that happened with TheFadedSeraph that made me the laughing stock of the forums before then but frankly I can't remember the details.
In late 2014, I lost my mother and that threw me for yet another loop. I knew she was dying for years and years, but again - head in the sand. That's when I started getting REALLY desperate for attention.
Anyway, it all came to a head at a My Little Pony convention last December, and I had a total fucking meltdown in the presence of two other members here. Sorry, guys. Alcohol might have expedited the inevitable, but it was still bound to happen sooner or later.
kyonpalm, I... I'm sorry. I'm such a fucking fool. I get now why you don't want to be friends. It's more me than you. You're - in my head at the time at least - the reason I left and put Perry through all of that headache. If you can't forgive me, I can't hold that against you, but I at least hope you try to understand.
I didn't think it would go deeper than that, but there's never a good time to stop learning. Choosing an old alias to use for story-writing turned out to be a blessing for me as I finally realized my biggest fault yet - I was never really, 'me.' I mean, I was me, but... I was always trying to be somebody I wasn't. Maybe it was me trying to compensate for the natural social awkwardness that comes with being autistic. But, that's why I decided to return.
Not to gain 'street cred.'
Not to compete in a silly posting contest that amounts to anything.
Not to try to start fanclubs, or make as many friends as possible, or psyche my way into feeling important and wanted.
Not just for spectacle or attention. Though I have been feeling lonelier than ever these days.
And not to try to become a moderator - it should be painfully obvious I had no more interest in that when I had my account nuked.
None of the above reasons, no - I just returned to reintroduce me as myself. And, what better way to do that than use my old alias from days gone by? I have to start at the starting line, because honestly, for almost half my life I wasn't moving forward at all.
I was going to return sooner, but a corporate inversion knocked me out of my element when I found myself doing the same shit I spent 5 years trying to crawl out of. I'm somewhat happy with my job now, but eh. Maybe I need to learn a trade or something before it's too late.
So, yeah. I take full responsibility for all the shit I did back then. Sorry, guys. I hope I'm still welcome here.
~ just have fun & dance like neko-xiao now that he's outta the closet/mikan~box! 
... 
~
. You don't have to be in a rush to "prove yourself" or whatever, and trying too hard to "fit in" will show in a bad way, so I wouldn't recommend that either. Just try to be less on-edge on IDW (or at least seem less on-edge, if you can't actually be it yet). Or if that doesn't work for you, treat this return as something akin to driving on snow - you'll be fine as long as you search out your limits, keep your steering smooth and relaxed, and keep that right foot from being too heavy.
