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Takumi is driving downhill in the middle of the night after delivering tofu.
****Sound effects: VROOOOOOM.***** You see Takumi shifting gears and his foot hitting the pedals. You see him drifting down a corner. In the distance behind him.... out of the dark from no where...a new set of headlights appeared driving by the corner. Takumi notices the headlights on his rearview mirror but ignores it as he hit the gas and drifts down the mountain curve.

A few minutes later....the headlights came back into his view again.....

Takumi: ..... He's closing in behind me pretty fast.
Takumi couldn't let this person behind him catch up. So he gave it all he got downhill. Takumi goes:....."Who ever this person is.... he is knows this mountain pass as much as I do." The car behind him closes in... just inches behind the 86's bumper. Takumi is thinking now in his head......it must be my old man testing me again . The two cars are close to the end of the mountain pass and Takumi decides to drive into the gutters. The car behinds him does the same thing also. Takumi is in shock at the car's capability of doing everything he does.

Then..... in the next 5 seconds..... you see in slow motion the car behind the 86 drive out of the gutters as it turned left (as we see it turn right on the 86's sideview mirrors) and the headlights closes in on the sideview mirrors and the light blinds Takumi as it passes him. *VRRRRRRROOM: The A70 appears!* as it passes the 86 .

You see a glimpse of the driver in the A70 and you see her lips as the darkness covers the rest of her face. She says...... I see you've lost your touch Bunta........ The A70 turns down the corner and disappears into the night.

Takumi was in shock with the A70 passing him that night.... he couldn't help, but think who it was behind the wheel and why he has never seen him before. He keeps this a secret from everyone else but his father.

The next day, Bunta is loading the tofu into the trunk as Takumi stands there for a moment... then asks him the question. Dad, did you drive another car last night and past me on the gutters like before? Bunta closes the trunk, then stands there for a moment and inhales the cigarette and slowly exhales the smoke out and says....... "No son, I didn't drive on Akina last night." Bunta fills the cup with water and gives it to Takumi on the driver's side and then says..... whoever this person is..... you don't have to worry about it. Takumi pulls out of the driveway and drives off as Bunta stands there holding his cigarette.....and says to himself...I have a pretty good idea who passed him last night.

Bunta's Suburu WRX pulls into the gas station.... and he slides his window down as Yoiichi steps outside the gas station. Yoiichi goes: "Hey Bunta, going for a little drive tonight?" Bunta says..... "Kind of....An old friend has come back to town last night and I just want to see for myself.... Want to come ride with me?" Yoiichi hesitates for a couple seconds before he says Yes.... as you see sweat coming down his face.

As Takumi arrives at the hotel with the tofu... he unloads the trays. We see a female around 19 years of age holding a map of Akina looking confused. She is reading the map while walking..... and as Takumi takes the tofu from the trunk and turns around to see a woman walking right towards him... *boom* The girl falls onto the floor while Takumi is holding the tray of tofu in his hands. The girl goes.... ow ow ow... that hurt! She looks at Takumi's shoes and looks slowly up to see Takumi's face. Takumi puts down the tray and helps the girl up. She gets embarrassed and apologizes to Takumi of her clumsiness of walking with the map and not paying attention to him. She looks down at his shirt and notices his shirt is wet from when she crashed into Takumi. She goes.... OMG, I'm so sorry I got your shirt wet.. Here let me help you with that...... she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a pink hankerchief and helps dry the wet portion of Takumi's shirt.. Takumi goes... "thats okay... I'm fine." As she is rubbing Takumi shirt she realizes something..... "Omg! I have to get going now......I'm gonna be late!" She gives the hankerchief to Takumi and grabs the map from the floor and runs out the hotel door.

A few minutes later...we see Bunta driving downhill and Yoiichi in the passenger's seat. Yoiichi: "are you sure that person came to Akina last night? how do you know?" Bunta: We'll see.... As we see the WRX turn the corner.... a set of tailights appear from the darkness. Bunta exhales from his cigarette... and then says.... its time I get serious...... After hearing those words.... Yoiichi starts sweating and thinks to himself as he looks at Bunta..... you already were driving seriously from the start! We see the A70 appear from a front angle as the WRX is right behind it. Bunta notices something and then says.... its not her. Yoichi goes... What do you mean its not her! Wasn't this the car you raced with 20 years ago? Bunta exhales... and says......it may be the same car but its not the same driver.

We see the WRX pass the A70 easily without the car even trying to block Bunta. The WRX disappears into the darkness. Meanwhile.... We see Takumi on top of the mountain driving downhill......Takumi thinks to himself.....Sigh.... I never even got her name.... and now I have this hankerchief......as the 86 turned the corner, Takumi see a pair of taillights in the distance. He closes in and notices it was the same car from last night. Takumi decides to chase this car....The A70 drifts down the curve as we see Takumi hitting the gas pedal and then shifting gears. We see the 86 enter full speed into the corner just barely inches away from the railing. Takumi tries to find an opening to pass but the A70 refuses to let him go. As they reach the end of the mountain pass.....Takumi notices that this car had a different driving style to it than the one from yesterday... as they reach the gutters, he notices the A70 didn't enter the gutters and Takumi decides to use the gutters to enter the corner at full speed and turns off his headlights. The 86 passes the A70 and now the A70 is behind chasing the 86. Takumi sees the A70 entering the gutters now as he did before. He sees the A70 trying to exit the corner and make a left to pass the 86. Takumi: NO! You left too early! We see the A70 exit the gutter too early and in slow motion we see the A70 rear tires slide to the right as the front was sliding to the left. The A70 made a full circle spin before coming to a halt. Takumi slows down and turns around and drives back to see the area is covered in smoke from the tires. The A70 door opens and a female gets out. Takumi gets out of the 86 and asks: Are you all right? She goes.. daijobu! Then starts coughing. as the smoke clears. She closes the door and finally! The girl from the hotel appears! She goes... Watashi wa Satou Minami . Takumi goes..... Fujiwara Takumi.

Chapter Ends... To be Continued!

This post has been edited by Minami on Mar 5 2007, 12:40 AM

This has potential, but you have to redo this chapter.

Things to be redone:

.Elimination of appearances of OMG or WTF, etc. in dialouge.
.Reformatting the chapter (this fic looks more like some sort of script)
.Grammar
.Minor mis-spellings (It's Yuiichi, not Yoiichi)

There's one more thing, the ending just seems kinda. . Maybe that's just me, but maybe you should take a closer look at it.

BTW, I suggest you take time to re-read the chapters you make. As I said, this fic has potential. But the way you wrote it, I just wasn't willing to read through all of it at first sight.

This post has been edited by Meteor on Mar 5 2007, 08:19 AM

You should probably give more specific critique than "re-do the chapter."

Sorry, I wrote this out of boredom and never found the time to make it more specific.. heh. Plus English is not my first language so I try my best

Also I never planned on a chapter like this written in word form, when I wrote it I was picturing it in "picture form" like if I was reading it from manga, I try to draw it not write it

Yes, its a script of drawing it. Well for me that is.

I made the ending that way so it can reveal the second part of who the female is. You know.... that type of manga leaving some suspense and shock so you want to read the second part. But yeah... I know it sucks... I try my best

This post has been edited by Minami on Mar 5 2007, 09:54 AM

Well, it's just that "picture form" doesn't really look good in a fic. But, anyway, your choice what to do with this fic.