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> [FANFIC] Drifting Away
Seri
  Posted: Apr 11 2013, 06:51 PM


Khloe, Our Lord and Savior
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Heya all, KyoukoFD3S here again!~ Now with fanfics. This is the story of a 25-year old gravure model and her secretary as they form the team "Dancing Blossoms" using their SW20 and FC3S, respectively. Anyways, this is something I came up with after playing Extreme Stage for a while, so it's basically giving an actual plot of sorts to the game.

Disclaimer: There are elements of Shoujo-ai in this story, so if you don't like it, you know the deal. Don't complain to me, thanks. It's heavily implied, but nothing direct yet. (It will happen eventually, though.)

Anyways, enjoy. biggrin.gif

Drifting Away: Preview Stage
"Tamura-san!" The yelling sound was accompanied by loud banging. She was still sleeping, and because of that, was late. Again. "Tamura Mariko!" The young woman scrambled to her feet, albeit groggily, at the sound of the yelling voice. “Geez… Who is it?” She replied, and gave it a quick thought. Upon realizing, she runs to unlock her door. Preparing to perform a bow of apology, she stepped back. But the voice outside merely sighed. “Mari-chan… You know why I’m here, right?” The voice belonged to Mariko’s secretary; or, as she should be called at this point, her mother. “You depend on others too much…” She began on a tangent. “Yeah… I know…” Mariko returned a sigh. “I’m sorry, Sayuri-san…” The woman relented, dropping the serious tone. “I’m only a year younger than you, and yet I seem to have accepted the role of your mother…” She adjusted her glasses, shaking her head. “A-anyways… No time to talk, we have to prepare you for your photo shoot.” A short pause. “Oh my god, you’re right! I’ll be right out!” Mariko shooed out her secretary, slipping into her outfit for the day. “But work is the least of my worries today…”

“Tada!” Mariko stepped out, now in her work persona. “Itou Asami here!~ Ready for her gravure shoot!” She posed, her choice of attire slightly revealing. It was a black sleeveless dress; her slim arms were surely the focus of the day. However, it was her facial features that really hit home. Her overly long cappuccino-brown colored hair was glimmering. And her main selling feature, according to her, was her heterochromia. Her left eye was a glistening and innocent light-blue, while her other was a crimson-like, almost seductive, red. It was these things she prided herself on. These things were her life, her source of income. And today, it finally came to fruition; her hard work had finally paid off. “Sayu-chan…” She stared at her secretary, almost completely her opposite. While Mariko, or rather, Asami depended on her looks, Miyake Sayuri depended on her smarts. And her skills behind the wheel. But that was her night life, the work she told no one about. She took a slightly less feminine approach to her looks. Her dark-hair was still long, and her figure was one to write home about, but that wasn’t her choice. She even wore glasses, although fake ones. Sayuri sighed. “I understand… I did promise.”

Handing a key over to her “daughter”, the secretary smiled. “We’ll pick it up after work. After which, we can do a few runs on the pass.” She smirked. “But I don’t know how well that thing will keep up with my FC and my years of experience. After all, it’s your first time, no?” This only made Mariko pout. “We’ll see about that.” She quickly switched to a giggle, and headed out the door. "Mariko..." An arm reached out to the model, but missed. How will I tell you?

--

And that's it for our preview~ No action today, but I thought I'd introduce our protagonists.

Comments, concerns, reviews, complaints, anything that you would consider helpful to me would be greatly appreciated!
shadow55419
Posted: Apr 11 2013, 08:39 PM


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you've got an interesting idea here, can't wait to see more so keep it up. so far you're pacing is pretty good too.

a small thing you might try is a new speaker new paragraph format, its a little easier to read and it makes keeping up with whose talking easier as well.... just one writer to another smile.gif

This post has been edited by shadow55419 on Apr 11 2013, 08:40 PM
Seri
  Posted: Apr 12 2013, 02:17 AM


Khloe, Our Lord and Savior
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QUOTE (shadow55419 @ 5 hours, 38 minutes ago)
you've got an interesting idea here, can't wait to see more so keep it up. so far you're pacing is pretty good too.

a small thing you might try is a new speaker new paragraph format, its a little easier to read and it makes keeping up with whose talking easier as well.... just one writer to another smile.gif

Yeah, I'll keep that in mind, thanks.

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Takahashi Rensuke
Posted: Apr 12 2013, 08:45 PM


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Nicely done, Kyoko!

A gravure model huh? Now that's a first...

Seeing you writing (typing) your fanfic reminded me of mine. *Sigh* If only I have the time, college is too much......
THE_HONDA_CG2
Posted: Apr 12 2013, 09:11 PM


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Oi oi! Same here. I really want to get back to writing, but alas... I've hit a writers block and I have way too many other papers to write for college. My story is going to be on the back burner for a very VERY long time. So far what you have up looks good! Please don't become like me and just keep writing! I'll keep reading! happy.gif
Seri
  Posted: Apr 12 2013, 09:58 PM


Khloe, Our Lord and Savior
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QUOTE (THE_HONDA_CG2 @ 46 minutes, 56 seconds ago)
Oi oi! Same here. I really want to get back to writing, but alas... I've hit a writers block and I have way too many other papers to write for college. My story is going to be on the back burner for a very VERY long time. So far what you have up looks good! Please don't become like me and just keep writing! I'll keep reading! happy.gif

Well, I'm not at that point yet, so I have a bit more time on my hands.

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Meteor
Posted: Apr 18 2013, 02:32 PM


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Hmm, this fic could go either way at this point, but right now it definitely seems like it has potential. Funny to see a character with heterochromia in the Initial D universe though.

Anyway, what's been posted up so far has me looking forward to more. You're not bad with your prose, the dialogue's believable, and these characters seem interesting so far. Do update as soon as you can smile.gif

There's just one thing for me to point out here.
QUOTE
Upon realizing, she runs to unlock her door.

Because most of this prologue was written in past-tense (as is generally right for stories), the way the prose ends up slipping into present-tense here ends up looking odd, and it would've been better off written in past-tense ("ran" rather than "runs"). Small issue, but just something for you to keep in mind when writing.

Anyway, I'm gonna go add this to the fanfic list now. Again, do update whenever possible.
Seri
  Posted: Apr 18 2013, 02:41 PM


Khloe, Our Lord and Savior
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Ah, thanks for that correction.
And heterochromia is just something I like, so I decided to add it. XD And it's not like it's magic or anything. It's a real condition. ...Er, excuse my rambling.

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This post has been edited by KyoukoFD3S on Apr 18 2013, 02:52 PM
Seri
  Posted: May 17 2013, 08:36 AM


Khloe, Our Lord and Savior
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An update, almost a month later. I figured we'd start this fanfic's true plot off with a bang! Idol battle! A battle on the Wangan! Anyway, expect it in a few hours.

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Seri
  Posted: Sep 18 2013, 11:57 AM


Khloe, Our Lord and Savior
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It's kind of obvious, but this is on hiatus indefinitely. Just thought I may as well make it official.
THE_HONDA_CG2
Posted: Sep 18 2013, 08:22 PM


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Aw man. Super sad face... I hope that this is just a small case of writer's block and that you're able to get over it soon. If you don't have any time, then don't worry. I know full well how that feels! Take your time and don't rush it.
Archbishop Banana
Posted: Sep 18 2013, 08:36 PM


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Hope you get over the writer's block soon, you have my wishes

This post has been edited by Archbishop Banana on Sep 18 2013, 09:14 PM
Seri
  Posted: Sep 19 2013, 02:38 AM


Khloe, Our Lord and Savior
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QUOTE (THE_HONDA_CG2 @ 6 hours, 15 minutes ago)
Aw man. Super sad face... I hope that this is just a small case of writer's block and that you're able to get over it soon. If you don't have any time, then don't worry. I know full well how that feels! Take your time and don't rush it.

It's my last year of high school, so I'm focusing on that.

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Seri
  Posted: Aug 16 2014, 07:22 PM


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New update, finally! It's a prequel, since I found it easiest to write, I guess.

Okay, so there will be some inconsistencies between the two chapters, but most of them is because their have been quite a few changes since the first chapter was released a year or so ago. I do want to somehow work the "mother-daughter" relationship back in somehow, though, since that was a big part of what I had planned for the original. Have a race for now, though. Probably could be better, but hey, it's better than nothing, and it's the first non-writing exercise thing I've written in a while.

“See, it’s nice to go on a leisure run after work, Mariko.” Second gear. Tsukika smiled, looking at the girl next to her: Mariko Tamura, the model she was hired to look after. “It’s what I live for, really.” Third gear. “And here…” Hearbeat. “…is the hairpin!” She giggled, shifting back into second. Her eyes became focused, and her left foot moved from the clutch to the brake. “Let’s see if that Evo can keep up with this FC.” She looked into her rear-view mirror the Evo close behind. She then sent her car into a drift, carefully controlling her car’s angle.

Taking it all in, she finally managed to answer. “…Leisure? This is a street race, Tsukika-san!” She sighed. “This is better than hanging out with those guys from work, I guess.” She let out a small smile. “Just know you’re taking responsibility.”

“Of course, it’s my job, after all. And when we’re out here… Just call me Tsukika. No need for formalities.” Third gear coming out of the corner, her foot fully planted on the gas. “Okay… He can keep up through this straight. This 13B doesn’t have the same power as his Evo VI’s 4G63. But… I have better cornering ability than him. Even with that 4WD, he doesn’t seem to have the courage to follow through.” The Evo continued to follow, right on her bumper. Fourth gear, then back to third for another corner.

“Hey, Tsukika?” She looked at the woman next to her; even though they were right next to each other, it seemed they were worlds apart. “I want to join this world. I want to race, too!” Her body, after having been thrown around since this race began, had finally gotten used to things. Her eyes sparkled, this was a sensation she never knew. After all, this was a world she had only briefly visited for a PV she had once recorded.

She only nodded; after all, her voice was useless in a situation like this. It was always like this. It was her way of focusing. Anything that wasn’t absolutely vital was forgotten. After all, she followed her instincts in races like this. Now… Let’s finish this. Fourth gear one final time. Turning early, she forced the FC through the corner, leaving the Evo behind. Yeah, just like I thought.

After reaching the finish, Tsukika sighed, and her eyes returned to their normal, calm, state. She watched the opponent finally arrive, and stepped out her car, walking towards him. “Well then… I believe you owe me something. Tsuchisaka is ours, as you promised.”

The man, clearly angry, stepped out with a punch, knocking the woman back. “Oh, yeah? Then let’s see you take it from me, you-“ Another man walked over, causing him to step back.

“I wouldn’t try anything if I were you.” This man clearly had some sort of power over the Evo driver, causing him to run off. “I look forward to seeing what becomes of you two.” He chuckled, stepping into his own car, leaving in the opposite direction of the Evo.

“Who was he?” Mariko continued staring in the direction he left, sighing. “Well, whatever, I want to begin training right away!”

“Alright, we’ll go to get you a proper car tomorrow, then.” Tsukika stepped forward, looking down the mountain pass they had just run, wondering what new challenges they’d face.


HyperSonic
Posted: Sep 2 2014, 06:52 PM


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Nicely done, I like what I have read so far. I encourage you to keep writing because I believe that this thing is going to be cool one way or the other.

How do I know this? Because the awesome guys (and girl) says so.

I had been on a writers block and I had to be literally pushed by someone (not a writer) to continue what I am doing. Then I had a couple of help from some of the guys up there on the comments and a bunch from one of them. If you need help these guys (and girl) are awesome they won't let you down.


@Rensuke update your fic NOW! facepalm.gif
@Honda remember me? I want to be on your fic too!!! crying2.gif
Meteor
Posted: Sep 3 2014, 11:00 AM


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It is honestly good to see that this fic's finally been updated. Not the greatest chapter, and could've been a little less short, but at least it's got things rolling again. While more could've happened here besides just that little race, the writing style is still looking decent and, aside from angry-punch-everyone-random-guy, that and how the characters think and interact still show the potential that was apparent in the prologue. It still looks like it could get pretty interesting down the line if the plot and the characters are allowed to develop more. I hope you keep at it, because with the potential present in the two characters we're currently following and the writing style already proving itself suited to handle thoughts and emotions well, I can indeed see it getting better in following chapters.
And hopefully my opinions about the current chapter proper didn't appear too negative. Not my intention.

As for typos and stuff:
QUOTE
“And here…” Hearbeat. “…is the hairpin!”

Missing a t on Heartbeat.
QUOTE
She looked into her rear-view mirror the Evo close behind. She then sent her car into a drift, carefully controlling her car’s angle.

This would look better with a comma after "rear-view mirror", so as to add in that intended pause before "the Evo close behind".

And that's all I found. Didn't really mess up much.


So yeah, do keep updating. Still interested in seeing how this story turns out.
Seri
  Posted: Sep 3 2014, 03:37 PM


Khloe, Our Lord and Savior
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Ah, thanks!

This was just a way for me to get back into writing. The next chapter will be the real thing.
HyperSonic
Posted: Sep 4 2014, 07:48 PM


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So we haven't seen the real thing huh!

That's Meteor for you, sees, almost everything. Update as often as possible. Please facepalm.gif