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> [FANFIC] Initial D: Heikou Sen Pass FIVE, Of Foreign Friends or Foes
Rudy
  Posted: Jul 3 2008, 10:46 PM


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This post has been edited by Rudy on Nov 23 2014, 04:56 AM
Meteor
Posted: Jul 3 2008, 11:07 PM


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So you're rebooting your last fic. . .

Good start = Me want MOAR!

However. . Spelling mistakes (and one missing word).

QUOTE
Shooting down the straightaway at speeds in excess of 200 km/h, a fearsome roar of a high-strung turbo I4, unmuffled and brutal, echoed off the mountainside, the driver grabbing for fifth gear as the raced by observer. The speed was nothing short of amazing, and the FC driver had a pretty good look at the vehicle - yet still couldn't make heads or tails of the primer-black rat rod that became of this hatchback. It was the spitting image of an AE86, yet was not the car.


This post has been edited by Meteor on Jul 3 2008, 11:09 PM
red comet 7
Posted: Jul 3 2008, 11:12 PM


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SOOO......MANY......FAN FICS!!!!!!! blink.gif
Rudy
  Posted: Jul 3 2008, 11:13 PM


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This post has been edited by Reiji Dorifuta on Jul 3 2008, 11:20 PM
red comet 7
Posted: Jul 3 2008, 11:14 PM


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i'm liking the the time frame of this one actually.
Rudy
  Posted: Jul 3 2008, 11:17 PM


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Meteor
Posted: Jul 4 2008, 01:41 AM


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QUOTE
If I don't see the kind of response I'm hoping for by Chapter 5, I'll terminate it permanently and just put the pen down altogether and focus on Drift City/roleplaying on WBS. sad.gif

Just curious. What is the kind of response you're looking for?

Or would you rather not say?
Hannah
Posted: Jul 4 2008, 10:05 AM


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I agree, this revamped chapter is much better... Save for the typing errors. Unbelievable how you can misspell the name of your very own character, several times no less. XD
I also like the small inside jokes and how you portrayed Ryousuke in this story. As well as Masato. I like Masato's attitude better now.

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Rudy
  Posted: Jul 4 2008, 10:31 AM


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wing_0
Posted: Jul 4 2008, 11:06 AM


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It's hard to judge from the prologue, but it looks interesting. I wonder what will be Matsuda's reaction to seeing proper touge racing. I'm interested how it'll develop further, a non-gaijin fic is something pretty unDoriish. tongue.gif Actually I did initially think it's a Tsukihime/Melty Blood crossover (my mind made me read the title as Kohaku Heikou), but well... it still seems interesting. Keep it up. ^^

This post has been edited by wing_0 on Jul 4 2008, 11:07 AM
Rudy
  Posted: Jul 4 2008, 11:09 AM


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Sanae
Posted: Jul 4 2008, 11:26 AM


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QUOTE (Reiji Dorifuta @ Today at 9:09 PM)
Ask Paula. I requested her translate "Parallel Lines" to Japanese. I assume her translation is accurate. :sweat:


Eto....if by 'lines' you meant speech ones, then the translation is correct.

However, if by 'lines' you meant physical lines as in two cars travelling in parallel lines, then the words you need are "heikou sen" (併行線).

At any rate, I do like your story and I certainly hope you'll continue it. happy.gif

EDIT: Added the kanji in case you want to look it up.

This post has been edited by Sanae on Jul 4 2008, 11:33 AM
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twitchykun
Posted: Jul 4 2008, 12:36 PM


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if you don't continue this, i'll out-touge you.
Drew
Posted: Jul 6 2008, 06:44 PM


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^Yeah, don't pull another effing Carbon canyon on us and lose interest by chapter 8, alright?

And yeah, the rewrite is a lot better than the first one. Keep it up and don't go too effing crazy, got it?
Nomake Wan
Posted: Jul 25 2008, 02:05 AM


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QUOTE (Turbo_Levin_13 @ Jul 6 2008, 07:44 PM)
^Yeah, don't pull another effing Carbon canyon on us and lose interest by chapter 8, alright?

And yeah, the rewrite is a lot better than the first one. Keep it up and don't go too effing crazy, got it?

f**king agreed. If you pull that bullshit one more time, I swear to god I'll never read anything you write until the end of time.

This one is GREAT so far.
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Dave Rodgers
Posted: Jul 25 2008, 06:09 AM


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Ease up on the adjectives, Ace. I know you're trying to sound better than the usual fanfic writers, but you're smacking us over the head with some ponderous writing here.

For example...

QUOTE
It was just another mostly-quiet morning in Akina, as darkness still had a full cloak over the amazing landscape of this relatively undeveloped town.


Reworked.

QUOTE
It was quiet in the early hours.  The sun had yet to rise, and so the town of Akina slumbered amidst the untouched countryside.


Instead of slamming my readers over the head with factual detail like a documentary, I leave the undeveloped nature of the town to be implied with my words. It is, of course, quiet, not 'mostly' quiet or "slightly" quiet - too many descriptors before your adjectives make for a very ponderous read.

It is decent at best, but could do with a little work.

This post has been edited by Dave Rodgers on Jul 25 2008, 08:00 AM
red comet 7
Posted: Jul 25 2008, 09:44 AM


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umm where be the chapter two? blink.gif
Dave Rodgers
Posted: Jul 25 2008, 11:06 AM


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I'm on it!

just kidding

Even I'm not that huge an asshole to finish someone's fic.
Rudy
  Posted: Jul 26 2008, 07:46 PM


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This post has been edited by Dorifuta on Sep 7 2013, 09:16 PM
Hannah
Posted: Jul 26 2008, 08:06 PM


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初コメントGET!!
[First comment GET]
*shriek*
This is the best of Heiko Sen I've seen thus far. I really hope you continue this story for a long time. This brings out the best of Iketani, and you really do an awesome job of it!!
MOAR PLZ
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twitchykun
Posted: Jul 26 2008, 08:14 PM


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damnit Dori. How long are you gonna keep me waiting?
Meteor
Posted: Jul 26 2008, 08:54 PM


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Awesome update Dori.
Who'll win?! Iketani?! Nakazato?!
QUOTE (Paula-tan)
MOAR PLZ

Seconded biggrin.gif

BTW. .
QUOTE
Iketani, with all his focus, concentration and drive charged in hard. You wore your tires thin trying to run away, but this is where the fight is decided! Being this close behind you at the end clears mour team of 'fraud' status, but it isn't enough! You caused so many hardships for our team by spreading those rumors, Nakazato... the payback starts here! Iketani nosed in, crawling beside the exhausted R33 at the last possible second. This is what the speed stars are really made of~!

Just thought I'd point that out.
wing_0
Posted: Jul 27 2008, 01:28 AM


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So that part made it to the final chapter... yay! Race scene is top notch, comprehensive and interesting, you've came a long way, Dori. Iketani's character got developed in a curious way too, can't wait to see how it'll affect later story arcs.
Nomake Wan
Posted: Aug 12 2008, 05:54 AM


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I did my edit of chapter one. There were a bunch of things I wanted to change but figured were the right of the author (Cobra radios, *86 voicemail, observers interchanging Skyline/R33/GT-R on the radio for the description of Nakazato's car, etc), so I left them alone. The one thing that I know is a factor of the author which I changed is 'Zetto'. Dori, there's no car called a Zetto. It's not a Fairlady Zetto, Dori. 'Zetto' is how the Japanese pronounce the letter 'Z'. It's a Fairlady Z. A Z. The chapter has been edited to correct this mistake.
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Rudy
  Posted: Aug 19 2008, 02:48 PM


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