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> [FANFIC] On the Unbeaten Path - Chapter 25, Hard Reset
Wheels84ss
Posted: Jun 21 2007, 04:20 AM


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Wel the story your writing you kinda have too... Because of the multiple storylines without the background info you'd be lost on what's going on... As well as the fact one of the reason i like it is because it is deep and involving and you really have to follow things to understand... To me it's well written and engrosing...
Meteor
Posted: Jun 22 2007, 05:55 AM


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I still see win in this fic. No criticisms from me.
Hannah
Posted: Jun 22 2007, 09:06 PM


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*cringe* aaauu!! I DONT WANNA STOP READING!!! MOAR!
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xsquizet
Posted: Aug 13 2007, 07:34 PM


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This is the best story I read online, I really don't follow fan fics but I did for this one. I want to say you writing is excellent and I wish I could write like this. I really like how you went into detail about certain cars, and engine codes and stuff. Only thing I didn't like that much was the back stories, you went into to much detail for my taste. But other than that I really enjoyed it and I hope you write some more on this or start something new. I would really like to read a science fiction tale from you or something. I enjoy your writing style alot
Tofu_86
Posted: Aug 25 2007, 11:37 AM


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QUOTE (Wheels84ss @ Jun 21 2007, 04:20 AM)
Wel the story your writing you kinda have too... Because of the multiple storylines without the background info you'd be lost on what's going on... As well as the fact one of the reason i like it is because it is deep and involving and you really have to follow things to understand... To me it's well written and engrosing...

I agree with that!

Keep the AWESOME work!

please.gif
Rudy
  Posted: Aug 19 2008, 03:33 PM


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Rudy
  Posted: Mar 3 2009, 03:35 AM


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This post has been edited by Midnight Drifter on Mar 3 2009, 11:13 PM
Hannah
Posted: Mar 3 2009, 04:12 AM


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Absolutely frickin' amazing work, Drifter-sama!!
I really enjoyed reading it, and I can't wait to read moar!! *shriek* Please do write more, ok?? <3 <3
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Meteor
Posted: Mar 3 2009, 10:04 AM


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First of all: HELL YEAH! AN UPDATE!

We had to wait a long while for this chapter, and it was worth it biggrin.gif

Now, before I type about how awesome the chapter was, here's one thing you might want to rewrite.
QUOTE
She leaned over to Ritsuko who fell onto her back and slowly closed her eyes, rolling her body over onto its stomach and placing a towel over the gunshot wound.

Okay. So Ritsuko already died instantly from the gunshot and fell down with her eyes closed, yet she later managed to fall again onto her back and close her eyes again as well?


[WARNING. LONG TEXT AHEAD. MAY CAUSE BOREDOM]
A story that combines both a mecha show and a show about mountain pass racing. That's original. But an original concept alone does not make something good, and that is where your writing comes in.

Right at the beginning, the writer is thrown into the middle of the action. The simple and clear descriptions form a clear picture of the opening scene, and little details add life to the character in it. The reader knows that the writing is of good quality, and is also curious as to what is going on, and thus becomes quite interested. The reader is willingly taken forwards into the rest of the chapter.

The narration asks one of the reader's current questions, and answers it right then. Again, simple descriptions form a clear image. And Asuka's happiness at being saved by her comrades seems far from fabricated. Then we come to the next paragraph, which signals that something's gonna happen, and shifts the whole mood of the story to "It's time to kick ass!".

A self aware opening to paragraph after that, a quick look at the two sides participating in this battle, and then the fireworks begin. The small typo here ("Needless to say, the pilots soon wr[[o]]ng every ounce of 'chance' they could out of the situation") does not affect this scene. Short, fast, and clear descriptions put much excitement into the destruction of the first EVA Series. Afterwards, another quick look at the two sides in this battle, and the rest of the new paragraph easily lets the reader know how the battle is going.

The first part of the next paragraph keeps the current mood. The ending part suddenly changes it; something's wrong back at HQ.

The narration cuts back to the swift destruction of another EVA series. Again, small details add life to a character (in this case, Nagisa), as he rushes to help Ayanami and advises Shinji to slice the new target at the hip. An intense gush of blood falling onto the battered city follows the quick triple-team-takedown of another EVA series. Three down, "[[to]] to go." (Another typo there, but it doesn't affect the story)

The narration now cuts away from the battle and focuses on Sohryu as she runs towards one of her favourite weapons located in the far end of the city, killing any enemies she comes across. This paragraph does slightly confuse me. She's in her EVA the whole time? She's outside of her EVA while getting the SGI-R and then later gets in her EVA before running off to a good place to shoot form? She actually runs from one end of the city to another on her own two feet and enters her EVA inbetween this paragraph and the next? The information on the SGI-E and SGI-R was good though, but I have to point out two things.
QUOTE
The SGI-R was different from the SGI-E in the perspective in the fact

QUOTE
2' diameter solid rounds nearly the size of an unknown highly-explosive alloy

The latter quote is not a very good description.

Meanwhile, one more EVA series has been taken care of. The end to this battle is near. Sohryu takes up her position, informs her comrades, and takes aim. How exactly the remaining EVA series gets restrained is clearly described to the reader. The SGI-R is locked onto the target, Asuka fires it. The round forces a huge hole through the middle of the remaining knockoff before flying into the water and starting a colossal wave. The extent of the damage is clear. The final EVA series limply falls, and we see the SGI-R's shot was powerful enough to take off one of Unit 03's arms; Nagisa fighting hard to keep himself from screaming in pain due to the effects of such high synchronization.

Silence. Simply silence. The battle has ended. Enough is written here for us to know that the manual control EVAs are now rushing towards HQ.


The narration now cuts to HQ. The reader is still quite interested in the story, and wants to know what happened to the people who were in the building.
QUOTE
From deep within the layers of NERV HQ in an emergency panic cell at the bottom layer of the core. Isolated from all contact, they already severed the path leading to where they were.

You could try rewording that a little, but I can still understand this part. Another one of the reader's questions has now been answered.

And the story's atmosphere grows colder with Misato's question to Ritsuko, especially because of the description of her piercing blue eyes cutting through the darkness to stare into those of the person she was questioning.

What Ritsuko says next justifies Misato's following action. The ironical use of "gracing" in this sentence adds a little flavour to the description of her slapping Akagi. And then she follows that up with a well timed angry outburst (and that is indeed anger she's showing). As Misato exclaims, nothing good is going to come out of war. And then the scientist begins to "correct" her.

What Ritsuko Akagi says then is simply insane. The description of her dawning a warm smile on the rest of the crew, and most of them staring back at her with horrified expressions on their faces paints a good picture of the moment.

“There would be no worries... only happiness. And isn't that the perfect world?”
Misato's reaction to that shows good writing. She speaks in a controlled manner, but the reader can easily tell she's angry due to what she's saying. Again, that is indeed anger she's showing, not generic rage. One can picture her voice growing louder at the end before she grabs the scientist, punches her hard enough to remove teeth, and throws her to the floor beside Maya, who shrieks and crawls away from her with her eyes wide and filled with fear (again, more life is added to the characters with small details like these).

Ritsuko's grim grinned calm question to Maya is understandably further unnerving to her in current context. We see her break down, then we see another engineer holding her closely. Little details like these- God, I'm repeating myself a lot, aren't I?
Again, Ritsuko laughing maniacally while shaking her head from side to side is well detailed, forming another clear picture in the reader's mind. And with her saying she should've let Gendo kill her when she had the chance, because she has now outlived her usefulness, we see more of the state of mind she's currently in. Misato's disgusted glare at her is genuine as she asks her where Gendo Ikari is.

And then we see Ritsuko, showing more well detailed madness as she reveals a bloodstained gun and causes everyone to gasp, and then she holds it to her face with the barrel pointed towards self.
"Where I'm going~!" She answers. We see her shove the barrel deeper into her throat, we see some characters trying to stop her.
We see her dead, and we know where Gendo Ikari is.
Ibuki's reaction to that. . . . I'll just shorten it and say that whatever emotions you wrote into the characters in this chapter; all of them felt genuine. This scene is well painted in the reader's mind like most of the other scenes in this chapter. Same for Misato's reaction to Ritsuko killing herself.

Then Misato takes the gun she used. She makes it clear that if she dies, she'll die fighting.

An audible explosion rocks the room they're in. People show genuine fear. Misato enters her defensive stance, glaring at the pile of rubble being blasted through, ready to fight and hoping to take atleast one guy out if it is indeed the UN.
Another explosion; the smoke settles; Misato lowers her weapon for the first time in nearly a year- It's the EVA pilots. Another well written scene as usual. Shinji naturally looks around to see if everyone's alright, and notices that one person isn't. He asks what happened to her?
Misato holds back the truth and tells them she was shot by the Special Forces.
Everyone else remains silent, deciding that Misato said what's best.

Afterwards, we learn that Japan is involved in a war.


And finally, we get to the part that begins to connect the previous happenings of this chapter to the rest of this fic.
Typo detected:
QUOTE
The Parking Area just off of the Shuto Expressways, in the suburbs of Shinjuku, was where a slate gray Toyota Supra stood idly beside the [[onrap]] to the highway, the driver sitting on the hood of the car.


Again, simple descriptions form a clear picture in the reader's mind. And when the narration shows surprise after seeing a mid-70s Ferrari being powered by what sounds like a supercharged fuel-injected DOHC Ford V8 (a clever way of showing one of Nagisa's thoughts), the reader also uses a question mark.

Nagisa's lips upturn into a mild grin as the car parks beside his own. The driver comes out, we know so far that she knows Nagisa. And her formal way of addressing him gives us a vague clue as to who she is.
Nagisa nods, his eyes shuffle back and "fourth" between the ruined skyline of Tokyo (again painting another good picture in the reader's mind), we see three flight modified EVA units climbing up in the sky and eventually disappearing from sight.

Then we see how perceptive Nagisa is as he questions the other driver about Ritsuko's death, and simultaneously reveals to the reader her identity. Misato clenches her fist, but eventually relaxes them. She calmly states she should kill him right now for knowing too much and we see her hand lingering around the revolver tucked in her jacket.

Nagisa's reply to that, and how it affects Misato still shows more of your good writing.

AMAZING CHAPTER! MOAR PLZ!

(This post would've been posted earlier if the power hadn't gone out the first time I was typing this and if my internet wasn't giving me so much trouble right now)

This post has been edited by Meteor on Mar 3 2009, 09:24 PM
Rudy
  Posted: Mar 4 2009, 12:11 PM


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This post has been edited by Midnight Drifter on Mar 4 2009, 12:37 PM
Hannah
Posted: Mar 4 2009, 12:40 PM


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Ho, damn..
Well, this really took my breath away. Woah.
This was much more than I was expecting, I'd nearly forgotten about the present-day activities.
Although...
I really enjoyed reading the first part, it was exciting. What I wouldn't give to see that race.. all out.. it'd be amazing to see it unfold in the anime, but.. heh.. Eva was never that cool.
I really can't wait to read what happens next! *flails a bit* I hope you won't have to kill off any characters~~ >.>
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TheFadedSeraph
Posted: Mar 4 2009, 02:50 PM


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Nice work, kid. >_>

Also, be careful how you portray Karie--if you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. But so far, so good. I do really like how you've improved with your writing skill. It's definitely paid off for you to keep going with this fanfic. grin2.gif

Beyond that, I don't see much wrong with the actual technical crap associated with writing. ;3 Then again, writing is supposed to be a journey. If you're caught up on each and every *bad* thing, then you'll never truly enjoy the story you're writing.

Great job.

I want to see more.
Meteor
Posted: Mar 5 2009, 03:02 AM


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That entire race scene was a huge batch of awesomeness all the way down to the FnF inspired drag race.
Rest of the chapter was awesome too. Are those three going to be alright? Who did this to them?

I humbly request for additional chapters.

This post has been edited by Meteor on Mar 5 2009, 03:02 AM
Rudy
  Posted: Feb 9 2010, 07:11 PM


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Hannah
Posted: Feb 9 2010, 07:51 PM


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.....Holee. Fcking. Shit.

Drifter, that f**king blew my goddanged mind. You've still got it, baby. That shit is f**king CASH.
For real, I had no idea your post wank was leading up to this. Fanfiction of epic proportion. Writing masterpiece of sorts. Sure, you're no famed writer, but you definitely have the makings of one.

This story, one of three ongoing projects, is really incredible and well-written. I'm in love with the action, the characters and character development, the emotion is SO THERE, and the modifications of what would usually constitute as normal reality, all mindblowing. You'd better continue writing, boy. <3
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Sanae
Posted: Feb 10 2010, 05:42 AM


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Since I think Paula-tan has already illustrated the point regarding the quality of your writing rather well, for what it's worth, I'll just limit myself to agreeing with her and give you a couple of pointers you might want to take into consideration:

1- The formatting is a little confusing sometimes, it might just be me but I find it easier to follow a conversation when there's a new line every time someone different speaks. That said, since your paragraphs aren't epically long, it's not like one gets lost in an ocean of words. happy.gif

2- Numbers. I think that other than when you're talking about a car model, for instance RX-7 or FD3S, you should always write all numbers using letters.

Other than these two unimportant things, I don't think you've lost your touch at all so, please do carry on writing so you can grace us with another chapter sometime soon.

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kou yuuzhen
Posted: Feb 11 2010, 08:16 AM


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The latest chapter was really good!!! Can't wait to see what happens next
Darius sounds.... not bad at all evilbrows.gif
Nomake Wan
Posted: Feb 12 2010, 04:33 AM


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The two things Sanae already mentioned were on the top of my list as well. When a new person speaks, it should get its own paragraph. Also, as long as it's a number ten or under, it should be spelled out instead of a numeral. That's what my mom taught me, anyway. Your mileage may vary.

The only other bits were minor issues. For instance:

QUOTE
...a sudden jolt forward answered his question for him; This emergency vehicle is stick-shift!?'

Two issues with this line. First, you didn't open the thought (though interesting you did close it), and second... well, I guess I can't speak for Shinji Ikari, but I'm not sure that I'd be concerned with the layout of the emergency vehicle when I'm in excruciating pain and fighting for my very life.

There were also a few places where you put punctuation outside of quotation marks. Such as:

QUOTE
“This is how you do it”, the overcoat-clad leader said to Kyouichi...


Other than that? Should be interesting to see what happens when you smash Evangelion, Initial D and Need for Speed: Carbon together. Keep it up!
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HashiriyaR32
Posted: Feb 13 2010, 05:28 PM


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Wow...at first, I thought you had put up a LOT of chapters while I wasn't looking, but then I checked the copy of your fic that I uploaded onto FF.net, and saw that the last chapter I had uploaded was ch21 almost 3 years ago. Looks like I won't have to use up do much time catching up. Also, may I upload the new chapters to the FF.net copy?

EDIT: Great chapters!

This post has been edited by HashiriyaR32 on Feb 13 2010, 05:46 PM
kyonpalm
Posted: Feb 28 2010, 11:08 PM


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QUOTE (Midnight Drifter @ Jun 15 2007, 03:37 PM)
Okay, guys, I appreciate the support but if it isn't too much to ask, I'd like some serious critique on how the story's progressing so far.

Am I focusing too much on character's pasts with the "off-beat" chapters, is there anyone I'm not giving enough attention? How's my writing skills going along overall? I know I'm on my way back to the top, but a little criticism and applause here and there doesn't hurt the slightest bit.

I was asked to review this fanfic, so I'll use this old quote as a base.
I never got bored reading this story from start to finish! As far as character development is concerned, you handled it nicely.
You have so many different storylines going at once, yet I never felt that one got too much spotlight, because just when you start to wonder about those other stories, you switch focus to them!
I love most of the characters themselves, even though they (and honestly the whole rest of the story) strays VERY far from Initial D's feel, imo.
Except for the Mako/Iketani story. The only un-Initial D-like thing in that arc was the whole Mako getting together with Iketani part. That sonofab*tch Shigeno would never allow such romance. In other words I LUV IT. tongue.gif
Gotta say though, I was completely thrown when the REALLY unrealistic parts of the story came in. Like when Karie introduces her magic healing powers, the ZOMG speeds of 400+ km/h, and the entire concept of "Esprit"'s existence... rolleyes.gif
And then there's the crossovers! I don't know how much of Evangelion's original plot you're following, since I've never seen the whole series, but it was told brilliantly.
Which brings me to the most important point.
As crazy as this story is, it's written beautifully, and that's all that should matter.
You'll have my attention for a long time, as long as you keep it up like this. wink2.gif

PS:
Meteor, you need to write up a long-ass dissection of MY fanfic when I post it. tongue.gif
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Rudy
  Posted: May 10 2012, 03:39 PM


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This post has been edited by Demon Boost on May 15 2012, 04:53 PM
Hannah
Posted: May 10 2012, 04:54 PM


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S.. so intense..!!
This chapter is on fire, and I'm loving it! I've never seen this side of Ryosuke. Ever. The drama and emotion is pulling me in!
I also have to say, the reckless and emotional side of Keisuke is pretty entertaining. I can't wait to see what happens.
More, please!!
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THE_HONDA_CG2
Posted: May 10 2012, 07:07 PM


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I concede defeat. Sir, you are an amazing writer. I don't even know where to begin with this. You are a master of words. Your use of imagery; its perfect. Concise and to the point, not at all overbearing or pompous. The characters are simply amazing. Everyone is spot on and memorable. Dialogues are spot on and easy to imagine. For a beta chapter this is perfect. I see some similarities between your writing style and mine, but you have taken it to the next level and beyond. My mind is blown, you have me hooked. Keep these chapters coming, I think I might be able to learn a thing or two from you.
Rudy
  Posted: May 10 2012, 08:03 PM


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Meteor
Posted: May 10 2012, 10:53 PM


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Paula and CG2 said it better than I could. This chapter is on fire. Even when you take a long, long time to update this story, the update ends up being so amazing you forget you even had to wait for it.

Whatever Ryousuke's got planned is going to be awesome. The writing made that very clear. I'm glad to see this fic revived and I'm really looking forward to regular updates of this.

Also, since you want some proofreading for this beta chapter:
QUOTE
Keisuke, this has always been your major flaw. You believe direct confrontation is the answer to all of life's problems – but the turth is, sometimes you need to analyze and investigate to find your answer.

Kyouichi waved Ryousuke into his shop, and the mastermind behind Project D quickly eyed the few cars in the shop in slight amusement. All of them appeared to be set up for flat-out speed, noting but lots of stock brakes and bodies with lots of money sitting underneath the cars' actual hoods.

Ryousuke, of course, was speaking of the shop's close proximity to the Irohazaka Pass. It made a great place to test cars out after coming out fresh off the shop lift. But that wasn't what was on the elder Tahashi's mind – what was would soon be revealed as they entered the office.

Kyouichi Sudou wasn't crazy about the vaugeness of Ryousuke's declaration. (it's spelled vagueness, vaugeness would sound something like "voj-ness")

Kyouichi watched in slight awe as the determined Takhashi brother casually stepped out of his office and glided to the yellow silhouette of the RX-7 that he tuned for his own brother.


And there's one part where there seems to be a missing word.
QUOTE
“Ryousuke... you're nuts, you that?

Did you mean "know that" or "you know that"?

I think that's all the typos.

EDIT: Forgot one. Sorry for not mentioning this sooner.
QUOTE
“CUT THE THROTTLE, IT'S KNOCKING!” Kyouichi Sudou called out to the technician rubbing this fingertips against his throat, who quickly released the accelerator on the Toyota Celica GT-FOUR that was being dyno-tuned in the shop.


This post has been edited by Meteor on May 11 2012, 08:36 AM

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