Initial D World - Discussion Board / Forums
   
Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )Resend Validation Email

DJ Panel ( Server Stats )   Song History   Initial D World Chat Room (IRC)   Broadband Stream
RADIO BROADCAST » streaming at 96kbps with 12 unique listeners, playing Niko - Night of Fire

       

2 Pages  1 2  ( Go to first unread post )

Views: 3,968  ·  Replies: 27 
> [FANFIC] A New Legend, My first story.
Nicholas86
  Posted: Oct 20 2012, 12:03 AM


IDW Prime Member
**********

Group: Advanced Members
Posts: 519
Member No.: 36,872
Joined: Jan 8th 2011
Location: Johor,Malaysia





Well I know someone else made a fanfic with the same title.But mine is different.NO Wangan crossovers.Any feedback will be appreciated,you can correct my grammar as well,I don't mind.

Chapter 1-A Strange Feeling
After losing to a blue car on Akina’s downhill, Takumi felt useless. He wondered why the mysterious driver was so fast on Akina, to the extent of beating him. Frustrated, Takumi went to work.

That very day, Itsuki was wondering where should he go that night.
“Hmm…… Akina is getting quite boring, I want to drive on another mountain pass! Hey, Iketani-sempai, any good suggestions?”
“I think Myogi or Akagi will be good, unless you’re willing to travel to another prefecture. The NightKids won’t be up Myogi tonight, I heard that from Nakazato.” “Then I’ll head up Myogi tonight. Iketani-sempai, do you wanna come?”
“No thank you. I think I’ll train on Akina tonight.” “Okay then.”

Going alone is too boring, I’d better ask Takumi out, Itsuki thought. He walked towards the payphone, put in a few coins and called Takumi, who was at work. “Takumi! You have a call!” “I’m coming, manager.” Takumi rushed towards the phone as quick as he could.

“Hello, Takumi here.”
“Oh hey Takumi! What took you so long?”
“I’m working Itsuki, what do you expect? Now why are you calling me? Be quick, I have work you know.”
“I’d like you to join me for a drive on Myogi’s mountain pass tonight.” “Huh? Tonight? I don’t know, maybe I can’t go.”
“Aw…… Please, Takumi, bring your 86, it’ll be fun! Come on!”
“Well, okay. I’ll be at your house at 9p.m.”
“Thanks Takumi! You’re the best!”

Why do I get this weird feeling that something might happen tonight? Takumi wondered. He had just reached home, but his father was nowhere to be found. Takumi had wanted to ask him about the blue car. That shitty old man, always going out for no reason. Hmm, it’s about time, I should get going. Takumi arrived at Itsuki’s sometime later. “OI! Takumi, you’re late, by five minutes!” “Cool down, Itsuki. It’s only five minutes.” They headed to Mt.Myogi right away with Itsuki leading.

While driving uphill, Itsuki suddenly sped up, pulling away from the panda-Trueno. “A challenge eh, Itsuki?” Pushing the gas pedal, Takumi kept up with Itsuki. The two raced uphill with Takumi following Itsuki easily. Takumi observed Itsuki’s driving and noticed that he had improved. Takumi followed Itsuki until the last two corners of the course, that was when he decided to overtake Itsuki. Takumi swerved his AE86 to the inside of the right corner and pushed the throttle pedal down.

Takumi was ahead by half a car’s length when they cleared the corner.
Coming up was the last corner, a left one, where Keisuke had tried to overtake Nakazato. Takumi braked for a split second and let the car slide on the outside lane. Straightening the car, Takumi floored the gas pedal and overtook Itsuki easily. Takumi killed the TRD 4A-GE engine and came out of his AE86. “Wow, Itsuki you’ve improved again.” “Oh really? Thanks, Takumi but I was still overtaken by you with such ease I wanted to cry.” “You just need more practice and you can be real good.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Takumi bought a can of chocolate drink from a vending machine and got in his beloved AE86. Itsuki had went home as it was quite late. Takumi had decided to stay there because he wanted to be alone, and think. Another reason was because of the “feeling” he got.

After finishing the chocolate drink, Takumi drove downhill to head home. Out of the blue, a pair of headlights appeared in his hachi-roku’s rear-view mirror. The car caught up to Takumi at a high speed. Who is this? Does he want a race?

This post has been edited by Nicholas86 on Oct 31 2012, 04:35 AM
Killah Jamez
Posted: Oct 20 2012, 12:09 AM


Request Title - PM Mods
**********

Group: Members
Posts: 365
Member No.: 38,844
Joined: Aug 8th 2012
Location: Queens, New York





I like it so far and no disrespect to some others but this to me feels a lot more like an actual ID story than most up to this point
HyperSonic
Posted: Oct 20 2012, 03:15 AM


IDW Regular Member
********

Group: Members
Posts: 246
Member No.: 38,471
Joined: Mar 22nd 2012
Location: Quezon City, Philippines





well, I can't point out anything wrong, but I must say it is a bit short for an introduction.

The story itself is good but the plot hasn't revealed anything to look forward to.

I must say to Killah, have you read thx's fics, they were mistaken for fifth stage you know.
Airpistol09
Posted: Oct 20 2012, 03:36 AM


IDW Full Member
***

Group: Members
Posts: 34
Member No.: 39,073
Joined: Oct 14th 2012
Location: Update Profile





Isn't it too early to tell? I mean what if in chapter 2 an alien racer wants to take takumi and race against him downhill in Mt. Olympus mons, (no offence) and lol to that.
Needless to say you are off to a good start.

This post has been edited by Airpistol09 on Oct 20 2012, 03:39 AM
Killah Jamez
Posted: Oct 20 2012, 06:50 AM


Request Title - PM Mods
**********

Group: Members
Posts: 365
Member No.: 38,844
Joined: Aug 8th 2012
Location: Queens, New York





QUOTE (HyperSonic @ 3 hours, 35 minutes ago)


I must say to Killah, have you read thx's fics, they were mistaken for fifth stage you know.

Haven't read that one yet i was referring to some older ones and some on another site to be a lil more specific but i will the reading the thx fic soon....
Nicholas86
  Posted: Oct 20 2012, 07:13 AM


IDW Prime Member
**********

Group: Advanced Members
Posts: 519
Member No.: 36,872
Joined: Jan 8th 2011
Location: Johor,Malaysia





QUOTE (HyperSonic @ 3 hours, 58 minutes ago)
well, I can't point out anything wrong, but I must say it is a bit short for an introduction.

The story itself is good but the plot hasn't revealed anything to look forward to.

Well yeah,the first chapter is short.But the fun starts at the 2nd chapter.If I move some of Chapter 2's story over to chapter 1, it's weird. So here's Chapter 2.Hope you all enjoy it.

Chapter 2-The Grey Levin

The white and black Trueno picked up speed as Takumi downshifted. You want a race? You got it!

They approached the first corner very quickly, a nearly ninety-degree right turn. Takumi braked late, did a heel-and-toe downshift and initiated a drift through the corner. The car behind did the same, and the two cars drifted through the corner side by side. Takumi saw that the car behind was actually a high-metal two tone Levin AE86.

“This driver must be really good! He can enter the corner as fast as me.” Takumi said as they exited the corner. The Levin made a “whoosh” sound as the driver changed gears. “A turbo car? Itsuki did mention before about a turbo. So this Levin must have more power.”

Takumi decided to go full throttle as he realized that it wasn’t easy to defeat his opponent. Coming up was two consecutive left corners, and in between them was a really short straight. Takumi did some light braking and pushed the throttle pedal down, sending his car into a drift. The Levin braked early and enter the first corner by grip.

The Trueno drifted through the short straight while maintaining it’s speed. Takumi straightened his car as early as possible and floored the gas pedal. The Levin driver let go off the gas pedal for a split second to initiate a slight oversteer. Once he knew the car’s angle was right, he floored the throttle pedal and the Levin accelerated even earlier than Takumi’s Trueno. Thus, the Levin’s exit speed was faster and it caught up to the Trueno within a second although the distance put between the both of them when they first entered the corner was quite big.

“Wow! He’s fast!” Takumi said as he looked in the rear-view mirror. The two cars gripped through the next wide right corner with their drivers’ right foot on the gas pedal. A left corner came up next. Takumi and the Levin driver cleared it by letting go of the throttle pedal before pushing it down again.

They approached the right hairpin at a speed of 120km/h. The Levin driver knew that there’s a long straight right after the hairpin. Thus, he braked into the hairpin and did a late apex turn to maximize the car’s exit speed. Takumi, on the other hand, initiated a zero-countersteer drift after braking down to an optimum speed. The Trueno exited the corner quite fast as Takumi managed to maintain its speed throughout the corner. However, the Levin’s exit speed was even faster.

The Levin took the right lane and made use of its high exit speed and fast acceleration to line up with the Trueno. They sprinted towards the two consecutive hairpins side by side. The TRD 4A-GE screamed loudly as it reached 11,000 rpm. The turbocharged 4A-GE roared even louder as its speed got higher and higher.

The Levin was ahead by 1.5 meters just as they reached the first, left hairpin. Takumi and the Levin driver both braked to shift the weight forward. They downshifted to the second gear and initiated a single-lane braking drift. Takumi was taking the inside line and this made him able to get ahead for 2 meters. However, inside and outside were reversed as they entered the upcoming right hairpin. They both braked late, but Takumi released the brake pedal a tad bit too late. The Levin got as close as 5cm to the inner guardrail and took the lead as it exited the hairpin.

Takumi was shocked as he saw the Levin got in front. Can I catch up? Do I still have a chance? Takumi thought. The NA 4A-GE engine shrieked as it tried to put 220 horsepower to the rear tires. It's not over, I'm not giving up yet!

This post has been edited by Nicholas86 on Dec 18 2012, 07:23 PM
Meteor
Posted: Oct 20 2012, 09:35 AM


Were you expecting something else?
**********

Group: Advanced Members
Posts: 3,831
Member No.: 20,929
Joined: Oct 14th 2006
Location: Some place in South-East Asia





Would I be right in assuming the first chapter takes place right after Takumi loses to the Impreza? I'm wondering why Itsuki chose to drive on Myogi though. He pretty much always goes for Akina when he goes out for a spirited drive, since it's so much closer to where he lives than any of the other passes.

The race scene was okay and seemed realistic enough, but there was one spot that needs fixing.
QUOTE
Takumi braked for a millisecond, then he floored the gas and overtook Itsuki with ease.

A millisecond amounts to one-thousandth of a second - 0.001 seconds. That is a ridiculously short amount of time and I doubt any human being can step on and off the brakes that quickly. Also, braking for that little time would be useless, since it'd only decrease your speed by some decimal points.
You could change "millisecond" to "split-second" here.

As for grammar; there weren't really many grammatical errors here aside from occasionally forgetting to put in a space after a punctuation mark. There were two of them though.
QUOTE
They head to Mt.Myogi right away with Itsuki leading.

Here, this should've been "headed".
QUOTE
where Keisuke tried to overtake Nakazato.

And that should be "had tried", to clarify that the event had occurred in the past.

Yeah. Chapter 1 ended a little abruptly, so I can't really call it a good start. As HyperSonic said, not much really happened and the events of the chapters barely hinted at any of the possible future plot developments at all, so there just wasn't anything to get you pumped up for the later chapters (or even just think about what was gonna happen next).


Chapter 2's a bit better about this. The race scene here has way better detail and was better overall, the writing itself has improved and the chapter gives you more reason to want the next one.
I don't think Takumi would've been surprised at a turbo-car entering a corner that fast though. He doesn't know much about any type of turbo after all. And even when racing Wataru, he didn't know that the Levin's powerful but laggy single-turbo kept it from being fast going into turns.

Moving on; this chapter has far fewer mistakes than the last one, but there are a few.
There was a point where you didn't seperate Takumi's thoughts from the story's narration well enough. I'd suggest fixing this by italicising those thoughts.
QUOTE
Nothing feels better than driving in your very own car, Takumi thought. The feeling of turning the steering wheel and pressing the gas pedal with his very own body made Takumi feel peaceful.

There're some grammatical errors here too, but they're only two minor problems with mixing present and past-tense that don't affect the quality too much.
QUOTE
Takumi saw that the car behind is actually a high-metal two tone Levin AE86.

Changing "is" to "was" would make this sentence look better.
QUOTE
“A turbo car can enter a corner that fast? This driver must be really good,” Takumi muttered. By that time, Takumi has decided to go full throttle. The upcoming corner is just like the one they just cleared. Takumi braked as late as he dared this time, entering the corner at a speed that anyone would’ve thought was suicide.

Change those to "had" and "was", respectively. Every other part here that isn't a monologue was written in past-tense, so this change will also make this whole paragraph fit together right.
Didn't spot any other problems.


Well, this fic still has hope of being an interesting one yet. Chapter 2 was short as hell though.
Anyway, keep it up smile.gif

This post has been edited by Meteor on Oct 20 2012, 09:38 AM
Airpistol09
Posted: Oct 20 2012, 05:37 PM


IDW Full Member
***

Group: Members
Posts: 34
Member No.: 39,073
Joined: Oct 14th 2012
Location: Update Profile





This gets interesting.

Is the driver of the Levin a new character? (made by you?) or is it original to the manga?
HyperSonic
Posted: Oct 20 2012, 06:55 PM


IDW Regular Member
********

Group: Members
Posts: 246
Member No.: 38,471
Joined: Mar 22nd 2012
Location: Quezon City, Philippines





Airpistol, Mt. Olympus mons in on Mars, lol to that....

Kidding aside, I like this random race scene. I doubt that the driver of the Levin is original from the series itself.

The 2nd chapter was shorter than the first one, yet it is far better, more exciting, now I have something to look forward to.

Nicholas86, more chapters please. Bring it on.
Nicholas86
  Posted: Oct 20 2012, 08:21 PM


IDW Prime Member
**********

Group: Advanced Members
Posts: 519
Member No.: 36,872
Joined: Jan 8th 2011
Location: Johor,Malaysia





Meteor, thanks for your feedback. The reason why I put "is" instead of "was" was because I thought "is" would mean that the "corner" is still the same.If I put "was" that would mean that the corner is different NOW when compared to the past.
Well at least that's what my teacher taught me derp.gif

Yeah I know that my chapters are short.I'll work on longer ones now.Because I write the 1st draft in a small notebook,so I thought it was long facepalm.gif

I didn't want Takumi to lose on his own home course.That would be unreasonable.So that's why I wrote Itsuki suggested to go to Myogi.It would be fun to go to another mountain once in a while right?

I kind of got my inspiration from the IDAS story.I chose the Levin because I just felt like it.Well more chapters? Unfortunately,I have exams coming up. And I need to fix up my draft of Chapter 3 too.It's short,so I'll try to make it longer.I'll do my best and make this as interesting as possible.

I need the kind of "writers' sudden inspiration" to start writing ya' know..so chapters won't come too soon.
Nicholas86
  Posted: Oct 27 2012, 03:46 AM


IDW Prime Member
**********

Group: Advanced Members
Posts: 519
Member No.: 36,872
Joined: Jan 8th 2011
Location: Johor,Malaysia





Sorry for the double post.
I've revamped the whole Chapter 1.I tried to make it more interesting and longer.So tell me how do you guys feel about it. Still too short? I still have some ideas to make it longer.I hope this is better.

I'll re-write Chapter 2 as well.So stay tuned.
Meteor
Posted: Oct 30 2012, 06:29 PM


Were you expecting something else?
**********

Group: Advanced Members
Posts: 3,831
Member No.: 20,929
Joined: Oct 14th 2006
Location: Some place in South-East Asia





Sorry for taking so long to reply. Was a little busy.

Anyway, your attempt at making Chapter 1 better was successful. The way the dialogue's arranged in the second paragraph can make it slightly confusing at first to tell who's speaking when, but that aside, Chapter 1 is now of reasonable length and actually builds up some interest for the following chapters.
Now you just need to change the beginning of Chapter 2 (but please lengthen this one too if you can).

As for the dialogue thing, here's a suggested fix:
QUOTE
That very day, Itsuki was wondering where should he go that night. “Hmm…… Akina is getting quite boring, I want to drive on another mountain pass! Hey, Iketani-sempai, any good suggestions?”
“I think Myogi or Akagi will be good, unless you’re willing to travel to another prefecture. The NightKids won’t be up Myogi tonight, I heard that from Nakazato.”
“Then I’ll head up Myogi tonight. Iketani-sempai, do you wanna come?”
“No thank you. I think I’ll train on Akina tonight.”
“Okay then.”
HyperSonic
Posted: Oct 30 2012, 07:24 PM


IDW Regular Member
********

Group: Members
Posts: 246
Member No.: 38,471
Joined: Mar 22nd 2012
Location: Quezon City, Philippines





The writers are already coming out, but few of us are having writer's block as of the moment.

I reaallly like how you fixed that chapter. And the length is, let's say average.

Looking forward for more great chapters as for chapter 2, and the fixing of it.
Well it is not really a very big deal, but if you can fix it, it would be a very good one.
Meteor
Posted: Oct 31 2012, 04:18 AM


Were you expecting something else?
**********

Group: Advanced Members
Posts: 3,831
Member No.: 20,929
Joined: Oct 14th 2006
Location: Some place in South-East Asia





Just caught a typo in the revamped first chapter.
QUOTE
He had just reached home, but his father was nowhere to be found. Takumi had wanted to ask him about the blue car. That shitty old mad, always going out for no reason. Hmm, it’s about time, I should get going. Takumi arrived at Itsuki’s sometime later.


Another thing:
QUOTE
After losing to a blue car on Akina’s downhill, Takumi felt useless. He wondered why is the mysterious driver so fast on Akina, to the extent of beating him. Frustrated, Takumi went to work.

That would be better as "He wondered why the mysterious driver was so fast on Akina"

Sorry for not catching these sooner. I'll do some more checking later on and this post will be edited if I do or don't find any other things to fix.

EDIT: Didn't spot anything else.

This post has been edited by Meteor on Nov 1 2012, 02:16 PM
Nicholas86
  Posted: Nov 9 2012, 04:23 AM


IDW Prime Member
**********

Group: Advanced Members
Posts: 519
Member No.: 36,872
Joined: Jan 8th 2011
Location: Johor,Malaysia





Chapter 2 rewritten. Man,took me quite some time. School just finished 2 days ago,that's how I got to work around Chapter 2. Also,I had to find the real map of Myogi,but someone told me that the IDAS6AA one IS the real one. So I used that as my reference.But I do know for a fact that the roads aren't that wide.

My relatives will be coming tomorrow,so I won't get a chance to write until Wednesday...So maybe Chapter 3 will be done by Saturday..

This post has been edited by Nicholas86 on Nov 9 2012, 04:24 AM
Meteor
Posted: Nov 9 2012, 04:39 PM


Were you expecting something else?
**********

Group: Advanced Members
Posts: 3,831
Member No.: 20,929
Joined: Oct 14th 2006
Location: Some place in South-East Asia





Hey, things are starting to get really awesome here now. Great job with the revamped chapter 2.
This race scene is not only a huge improvement over anything else you've made so far, it's also of comparable quality to the races I've seen in some of the better fics here. I won't say it's among the best race scenes I've seen in an Initial D fic, but I will say it ranks close. The technical details have had a lot more thought put into them, the writing itself is now a lot better and the overall effect is that the race itself is both really intense and within the bounds of being believable. The way you showed the small differences in driving and how they affected the race was superb.
I'm really looking forward to the next chapter now. Impressive work Nicholas86. Keep it up smile.gif

Only spotted one mistake, but it barely stands out. The comma here just needs a space after it.
QUOTE
The NA 4A-GE engine shrieked as it tried to put 220 horsepower to the rear tires. It's not over,I'm not giving up yet!


I'm not really sure what sort of color "high-metal" is though. Is the Levin a greyish/silverish sort of color?


EDIT: I spotted one other thing that doesn't seem right. Sorry for not mentioning it sooner.

QUOTE
Takumi did a light braking and pushed the throttle pedal down

"Did a light braking" just sounds weird. There's more than one way to rewrite this, but "did some light braking" would be the easiest fix in this case.

I hope I didn't miss anything else.

This post has been edited by Meteor on Nov 19 2012, 01:13 AM
Nicholas86
  Posted: Nov 9 2012, 07:17 PM


IDW Prime Member
**********

Group: Advanced Members
Posts: 519
Member No.: 36,872
Joined: Jan 8th 2011
Location: Johor,Malaysia





Yep,it's a grey colour,but with the black stripes.
user posted image
user posted image

Taken from the IDAS website. Also,if anyone asks why 220HP and not 240HP, search the word "drivetrain power loss" or "drivetrain loss". The BHP of the engine is used up before it reaches the wheels.
HyperSonic
Posted: Nov 10 2012, 07:47 AM


IDW Regular Member
********

Group: Members
Posts: 246
Member No.: 38,471
Joined: Mar 22nd 2012
Location: Quezon City, Philippines





A two tone levin isn't bad.

Ei, where's chapter 3.

We want more, we want more.
Nicholas86
  Posted: Dec 7 2012, 06:26 AM


IDW Prime Member
**********

Group: Advanced Members
Posts: 519
Member No.: 36,872
Joined: Jan 8th 2011
Location: Johor,Malaysia





It has been nearly a month since I last posted up a chapter. All I can say is, I kind of lost my motivation,inspiration and passion to write. But somehow I'm back to writing again.

I feel like I didn't do a good job on Chapter 3...
And I've had some ideas to write one of the final battles in this fic,which is crazy because this fanfic has just started derp.gif

Chapter 3-The Lightning Bullet

A few moments ago, at the Myogi pass’ two consecutive hairpins…..

“Hey, did you hear some engine noise?” Man A asked.
“Yeah, it’s getting louder! Is there a race?” Man B said.
Just as he said that, two pairs of headlights appeared and they started to get closer to the hairpins. The two guys watched as the Trueno and Levin got into single-lane braking drifts.

“Whoa! Isn’t that Akina’s 86? Who is driving that Levin?” Man A asked aloud.
“That Levin is really fast! He’s trying to overtake Akina’s 86!” Man B said excitedly.

The two men exclaimed as they watched the Levin overtake Akina’s 86 in one clean, swift move.

“Wow! Who is that guy? The unbeatable Akina’s 86 got overtaken by him on the downhill of Myogi!” Man A exclaimed.
“Hmm… Say, have you ever heard of The Lightning Bullet from the Kanagawa area?”
“Huh? The Lightning Bullet? Never heard of it.” Man A wasn’t really familiar with the Kanagawa area.

“It’s a guy who drives a grey Levin. I heard that he runs on the Nagao pass. Some racers encountered him and raced him but they all lost. He doesn’t challenge anyone but runs by himself. He is called ‘The Lightning Bullet” because he drives as fast as a bullet that has just been shot out of a gun. Whatsmore, the ‘Levin’ name of his AE86 means ‘Lightning’.” Man B explained.

“Then…… Could that be him?”
“It’s possible. A grey Levin AE86 with a turbo, looks just like the Levin we just saw.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Takumi kept his right foot to the floor as he went through a slight left corner. A right corner came up, Takumi braked slightly before he stepped on the gas. The Trueno exited the corner with tremendous speed. Despite this, the Levin still managed to pull away. Takumi was losing sight of it and he did all he could to try and catch up. Unfortunately for Takumi, the Levin pulled away at every corner, one inch at a time. Takumi was forced to watch as the Levin’s taillights got dimmer and dimmer.

“Damn! He’s unbelievably fast!” Losing to the same kind of car that he was driving, it was a devastating blow to Takumi.

When Takumi exited the second-last corner, he could only see the Levin’s brake lights flashing once before disappearing into the last corner. Takumi parked his car at the base and got out of his car. Takumi was covered in sweat and he tried to wipe off a few drops on his forehead.

“So such persons do exist in this world huh? But I’m gonna train myself and get better! I won’t lose again!” Takumi said.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A day had gone by since the grey Levin defeated Akina’s 86. Word about this had spread around quite fast.

Kenta was having his lunch at a restaurant. He was sipping an ice-cold drink when he heard something that made him stand up.

“Wow…… I still can’t believe we witnessed Akina’s 86 getting beaten by another AE86.”
“Yeah, The Lightning Bullet from the Nagao pass…… Incredible.”

The two men paused and drank their coffee. Kenta went over to their table and asked : “Did you say something about Akina’s 86 getting beaten?” Kenta thought about seeing Takumi lose, it would truly be unbelievable if that really happened.

“Yes, he got overtaken by another AE86, a grey-coloured Levin. And judging from the Levin’s speed, it was practically impossible for Akina’s 86 to take the lead back.” The guy seemed really convincing to Kenta, and so he believed him.

I must get more information on this Levin, Kenta thought.
“Do you know anything more about this Levin?”
The guy blurted out all he knew about The Lightning Bullet to Kenta.

“Have you told anyone else about this?” Kenta asked.
“Well we did tell this to a few members of the NightKids and they might have spread this around.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Keisuke was taking a nap in his room when his phone rang.
“DON’T TURN IT OFF! BABY DON’T LET IT GO!” The phone went with its new ringtone.

Keisuke got up lazily and picked up the phone.
“Hello? Keisuke here.” Keisuke said as he yawned and rubbed his stomach.
“Keisuke-san, it’s Kenta here. I’ve heard some news about Takumi losing on the downhill of Myogi pass.”
Keisuke was snapped awake immediately upon hearing the words “Takumi losing”.
“WHAT!? Takumi that damn bastard lost? He can’t lose! Only I can defeat him!”
“Well you see Keisuke-san……”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Keisuke found himself heading towards Myogi’s mountain pass in his yellow FD. He had rushed to his brother’s room after he finished hearing Kenta’s explanation. But Ryosuke had gone out to somewhere. Keisuke decided to head up Myogi by himself instead, he was hoping that he could meet the grey Levin.

Keisuke drove through the first two corners of the uphill course at a high speed. There was no sign of the AE86 showing up.

“Maybe Kenta’s info was wrong,” Keisuke murmured as he went through a few slight corners that led to a hairpin turn. But it seemed like it was Keisuke who was wrong, because a pair of lights showed up in the FD’s rearview mirror just as the words came out of Keisuke’s mouth.
Could it be……The Lightning Bullet? Keisuke wondered.


Hopefully I can start writing Chapter 4 again. pinch2.gif

This post has been edited by Nicholas86 on Dec 18 2012, 07:22 PM
HyperSonic
Posted: Dec 9 2012, 05:30 AM


IDW Regular Member
********

Group: Members
Posts: 246
Member No.: 38,471
Joined: Mar 22nd 2012
Location: Quezon City, Philippines





It makes perfect sense. You have introduced us a new character, keeping him as mysterious as humanly possible. The readers will be anticipating the next appearance of this new character and would also be waiting as to what will happen next.
You have achieved a lot of things in this chapter.
1. You kept Takumi on the human level by being defeated. It would be very strange for a person to be undefeated at anywhere and yet
2. you have kept Takumi's undefeated record at his homecourse by letting the race happen myogi instead of Akina.
3. You have involved other OCs by letting random people happen to see an unofficial loss and spread the news like wildfire.
BUT there are 2 things I don't like (maybe it's just me).
First, the way Takumi lost. He lost because the opposing driver was faster not BETTER. It would have been an exciting loss if he lost because of skill/technique difference. Thus making our mystery driver even more sinister. (again maybe it's just me)
Second, the opponent'r nick name is too flashy, I think. "Lightning Bullet" sounds like super duper hyper mega sonic speed. (again maybe it's just me.
Nicholas86
  Posted: Dec 9 2012, 11:15 PM


IDW Prime Member
**********

Group: Advanced Members
Posts: 519
Member No.: 36,872
Joined: Jan 8th 2011
Location: Johor,Malaysia





Haha about the way Takumi lost..
QUOTE
the Levin pulled away at every corner,

With his turbocharged levin,pulling away at straights will be easy,but there are some real tight turns at the lower-half of this course.So he pulled away at CORNERS,logically he should be better than Takumi,but Takumi wasn't familiar with Myogi and of course there are other factors..

I'll leave you to decide who is better,then again,this might be revealed much later in this story evilbrows.gif

Hmm "The Lightning Bullet" sounds weird to me too.Until I think of a much better nickname,this'll have to do as the substitute

Yeah I didn't want Takumi to lose at his homecourse! You saw through my plans! laugh2.gif Takumi getting defeated at Akina is just plain weird...at least I didn't want that to happen so fast..
Nonono Takumi's undefeated record is no more,he got defeated by our dear Bunta! LOL

I also have a question here,I intend to put some 5th Stage characters into this fic,so should I put the spoiler tag?

This post has been edited by Nicholas86 on Dec 9 2012, 11:18 PM
Meteor
Posted: Dec 18 2012, 05:59 AM


Were you expecting something else?
**********

Group: Advanced Members
Posts: 3,831
Member No.: 20,929
Joined: Oct 14th 2006
Location: Some place in South-East Asia





After the awesome revamp of Chapter 2, the not-as-awesome writing in Chapter 3 was a little disappointing actually. But it wasn't too bad and you could always revamp it later anyway. And to your credit, the second "section" of this chapter did show a glimpse of the skill you showed in the last chapter.
Still interested in seeing where this story goes. Bring on Chapter 4.

I wonder if the pair of headlights behind Keisuke'll turn out to be Nakazato or something tongue.gif

What's a racer from Kanagawa doing all the way out in Gunma though?

By the way, you don't have to worry about spoilering the upcoming chapters. Just leave a visible mention at the start of the next chapter that the fic will have characters from Fifth Stage from it, so anyone who wants to avoid spoilers can get their advance warning.

As for mistakes:
QUOTE
Just as he said that, two pairs of headlights appeared and they started to get closer to the hairpinds.

QUOTE
He had rushed to his brother’s room after finish he finished hearing Kenta’s explanation.


And there were two in the previous chapter as well. I should've spotted them way earlier (I'm really sorry).
Firstly:
QUOTE
“This drive must be really good! He can enter the corner as fast as me.” Takumi said as they exited the corner.

And the second one was edited into my previous post here a while back, so you can check there.

This post has been edited by Meteor on Dec 18 2012, 06:27 AM
Nicholas86
  Posted: Jan 20 2013, 05:33 AM


IDW Prime Member
**********

Group: Advanced Members
Posts: 519
Member No.: 36,872
Joined: Jan 8th 2011
Location: Johor,Malaysia





QUOTE
The topic you are replying in is over 32 days old. Please be advised that you will be warned
for posting content that is irrelevant, repetitive, useless, or otherwise violative of any rules set forth by the Forum Guidelines.

laugh2.gif

So it's been a month. School isn't making writing any easier. I managed to write some parts on a few occasions,but I just got it done today.Hopefully this is a good chapter.

Chapter 4- Race in Gunma

Kengo Hirayama sat on his bed, giving himself some rest. He was in a hotel room, which his company arranged for him to stay at. He was the manager of the computer department and he was required to go to Gunma to run some errands. Kengo reckoned he was gonna be there for quite a few days.

Kengo recalled the race he had against another AE86. A Trueno, he remembered correctly.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three days ago……
Kengo had had an urge to race on a mountain pass. He couldn’t run all the way to Kanagawa just for a run on his home course, Nagao. Because of this, Kengo decided to look around Gunma for a mountain pass. It didn’t take him long to find Myogi.

Kengo found the road a lot easier to drive on compared to Nagao. The road was much wider and the corners weren’t as sharp as the ones on Nagao. It took Kengo quite some time getting used to the high speed corners. Other than that, he found the road to be a lot of fun.

The next night, Kengo went up the hill through another route and started driving downhill. He had just begun his descent when he saw a black and white car in front of him. Kengo accelerated and shifted into third gear. He got closer to the car and he realized that it was a Trueno.

Suddenly the Trueno pulled away, Kengo took that as a challenge and depressed the throttle. He hit the brakes at the same time as the Trueno driver. His left foot pressed the clutch pedal and he moved the heel of his right foot over to the gas pedal. Kengo pressed the throttle for a split second, downshifted to the second gear and let go off the brake. The fast braking motion sent the car into a braking drift, which Kengo controlled with his hands and right foot.

Kengo switched gears at the exit of the corner, giving a smile when he heard the blow-off valve sound. The Trueno had somehow gotten faster, Kengo observed as they entered the first of the two consecutive left corners.

Kengo hit the brakes early, downshifted to the second gear and entered the first left corner with the throttle pedal depressed. He watched as the Trueno in front pulled away with a drift. Releasing the gas pedal, Kengo turned the steering wheel and made use of the extra traction to help the car turn.
He depressed the gas pedal once the car was at the right angle, and his AE86 caught up to the Trueno at the exit. Right foot on the gas pedal, Kengo got through the next right corner. A left corner came up next, and they both got through it easily.
After the right hairpin, there’s a long straight, I should make use of it to attempt an overtake. If I exit faster than the Trueno, I should be able to line up with him at the straight. Kengo analyzed.

He trail-braked into the right hairpin and by using the late apex line, he exited the corner much faster than the other AE86.
Now’s the time!
Kengo switched to the right lane and floored the gas. The engine revved up to 7800 rpm as they reached the two consecutive hairpins.
Kengo initiated a braking drift and watched as the Trueno tried to get in front of him.
A right hairpin next! I will be in front!
As expected, the Levin got the inside line, and overtook the panda AE86.
Now I only have to pull away!
Kengo went through the corners at full speed, attempting to pull away. The Trueno’s lights got dimmer as he went through three more corners.

He doesn’t seem to be very familiar with this course. Kengo thought as he looked in the rear-view mirror. He is pretty tough though, the distance between me and him might have gotten larger, but only by a little.

Kengo was starting to get worried that he might not be able to get away. He pushed the car harder at the thought of that. Turned out he didn’t have to worry at all, he could barely see the Trueno’s headlights as he entered the last corner. Kengo went home afterwards. It was a pretty tiring day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“That guy was actually pretty good. With practice, he can be very persistent and might even beat me.” Kengo said.
“I’ll go there again tonight.” Kengo took his car keys and went down. He fired up his AE86, enjoying the sound of its engine for awhile before heading towards Myogi.

Suprisingly, Kengo found a yellow car in front of him as he went uphill. A Mazda RX-7 FD, he had had some interest in it. It looked pretty nice or as what Kengo referred to as “sexy”. The yellow car was cruising at a pretty high speed. The driver seemed to have noticed him though, because the car went even faster.
Kengo gulped down some saliva as he braced himself for another battle. An uphill race against a high horsepower FD, it had to be hard. Kengo’s left foot found the clutch, and he downshifted to the second gear.

This post has been edited by Nicholas86 on Feb 4 2013, 06:03 AM
Takahashi Rensuke
Posted: Jan 20 2013, 05:54 AM


The Blue Lightning
**********

Group: Advanced Members
Posts: 1,141
Member No.: 36,245
Joined: Sep 5th 2010
Location: Akagi, Gunma, Japan





Ah interesting, so this chapter is describing Kengo's point of view of the battle with Takumi.

I don't see any grammatical errors though, or it might just be me...

Are the double "had"s intentional? I can't tell...

This post has been edited by Takahashi Rensuke on Jan 20 2013, 05:57 AM
Meteor
Posted: Jan 30 2013, 06:45 PM


Were you expecting something else?
**********

Group: Advanced Members
Posts: 3,831
Member No.: 20,929
Joined: Oct 14th 2006
Location: Some place in South-East Asia





Took ages to reply to this, but good work on the update. Your prose is definitely in good form again. And not only did you provide a good explanation for why a racer from Kanagawa was all the way out in Gunma, you also did a really good job introducing this character into the story. Focusing on his viewpoint for this chapter certainly helped things.

However, I did wish this chapter would've had more newness to it. Kengo's introduction, backstory and POV aside, this chapter was just a recap of both a past battle and the start of another one. This chapter could've been really awesome if you had actually progressed the plot by really getting the Keisuke VS Kengo battle started, but you missed an opportunity there I'm afraid. Even just slightly continuing that race rather than simply recapping the end of Chapter 3 would've still been better. It's too bad really. You're writing in good form again and the resulting prose is definitely nice to read, but this latest chapter ultimately ended way earlier than it could have. Maybe you could edit in a bit of the next race later; and then continue that race in the next chapter.

What you did write was executed pretty well though. I do hope you can keep up this level of quality for your later updates smile.gif


And, proofreading:
QUOTE
He was in a hotel room, which his company arranged for him to stay

Not entirely sure, but I think that should be "stay at".
QUOTE
He had just begun his descend when he saw a black and white car in front of him.

"descent". "descend" is a verb and does not work there.
QUOTE
The fast braking motion sent the car into a braking drift, which Kengo controlled with his hands and right foor.

Simple typo there.
QUOTE
He pushed the car harder at the thought of that. Turns out he didn’t have to worry at all, he could barely see the Trueno’s headlights as he entered the last corner. Kengo went home afterwards. It was a pretty tiring day.

Most of the fic was written in past-tense; and this race scene is a flashback too (so it happened in the past). Thus, that should be "Turned out".
QUOTE
“That guy was actually pretty good. With practice, he can be very persistent and might even win me.” Kengo said.

"beat"/"defeat"
QUOTE
It looked pretty nice or as what Kengo referred as “sexy”.

"referred to as "sexy"."
--------------------------------------------
QUOTE (Takahashi Rensuke)
Are the double "had"s intentional? I can't tell...

And yeah, those are likely intentional, because they're actually correct in UK English.

2 Pages  1 2